The Hillbilly is Back!

Greetings all from Kandahar and my tent of tranquility! (pictured here and doctored up with a fun little photo program I enjoy playing with). My space is in the back on the left and you can see that I have the tent window open which is actually an excellent feature - light in your living space is a good thing!

So much has happened with so little internet access that I will have to give you the Cliff Notes version.  This place is the "solar" opposite of Bagram - much more spread out and international with many more amenities.  The living and working quarters are spacious and new as well as the bathroom facilities.  The downside is that it's hard to escape from the live/work area - we have very few vehicles for many people to share - so it takes quite a bit of coordination to get anywhere.  I bought a bike - check, that problem is now solved.  Riding it anywhere here is a true adventure in itself and trying to see the 7 foot ditches and other obstacles in dust storms and general haze has been a challenge, but I'm doing it!  It's so dusty here that the few trees and plants that exist are actually a light grey and hard to notice at first ... all 5 of them ... So, I'm living the dream here as a sweaty, sticky and dusty, middle-aged version of Pig Pen.  

Our work/living area is on the south side of the base and basically a tent city necessary to house the many troops transferring through the base.

This pic I took from the top of one of the bunkers outside of my work tent - I love this picture for some reason.  Maybe because it really captures the actual situation here - the rounded tent is inside my compound and the remainder are the transitional tents that we wade through in order to reach the nearest DFAC.  Speaking of bunkers, I seem to be in them frequently.  We have many rocket attacks here so you spend some time getting personally acquainted with the ground and these bunkers - aren't they simply homey?  Does anyone else notice the proliferation of all shades of brown? I like to crawl up on these at night and look around the ant farm ... if only I had a cocktail the experience would be complete!                                    

                                                                                                                                                       

Now let me explain the work situation here - which I'm happy to report that at the time of this posting is much improved.... There's actually a ton of it going on and it's as interesting as I'd hope it would be.  I have two FOBs to plan already and they are a crazy mess.  Finally, I'm in one place long enough to commit to a project.  However, we had quite the issue with a controlling, nasty little queen here at first - we'll call him Bam Bam.  It was going to be a long 9 months with this guy trying to micro manage his peers via an administrative point person position.  If you get my meaning, he is not our supervisor but wants to play one on TV - in particular he planned to "manage" the only 2 women here which didn't go over well with either of us.  HW used up a lot of valuable energy being one in-your-face, aggressive and intimidating bee-otch - which, is an unfortunate side effect of being here.  If you don't lay down the law, so to speak, in a very open and intimidating manner ... your life here (especially as a woman), will be very difficult.  You will be figuratively chewed up if viewed as passive or easy to control.  Bam Bam has since been given very specific criteria for his duties as an administrative point of contact for our team and HW has been allowing him to save face, whilst totally prepared to viciously attack if need be - I feel I've become like a pet rattlesnake ... don't turn over my rock!  Other than that, the team I work with is great and I very much enjoy working with them.  We also work out together at the cleanest place I've seen in Afghanistan - the NATO gym.  Seriously.

Since it's early in the morning here, the internet is allowing me some access to bandwidth which is why I am posting all of these pics.  This is my room which has become very domestic and westernized thanks to several thoughtful and generous care packages from you fools at home!  That white wall pictured flaps in the wind constantly as does the ceiling, but the rest of the room is delineated by plywood partitions and a nice, cement floor.  It is a tent though and I'm thankful not to have issue with large moths - I am working on a program to get rid of them - they're everywhere as are other things that can crawl right in.

I will post more photos on Facebook as I collect them.  I've been here two weeks, but not out much and I hope to change that today - I'm headed to this place on my bike - The Boardwalk - to enjoy more sun and a feeling of normalcy.  They watch our time more closely here so it's cramped my wandering style a bit along with being on the outskirts of base.  Oh, by the way - the huge poo pond treatment area ... the smell permeates everything when the wind shits ... I mean shifts ... unbelievable!  But I actually saw a couple walking around it holding hands the other day - priceless!  And me without a camera - but with no scratch and sniff lens you lose the overall odor effect.

Drink of the day - Crystal light with an ice cube in my new water bottle!

A picture speaks a thousand words - just not always the right ones!

Today I'm devoting a portion of this blog to the glory of the photograph - and my new effort in avoiding them!  When you're someplace like this, where everyone is away from home, the photograph is not necessarily your friend.  Of course your own photos may bring you a level of comfort, make you smile or even laugh out loud - what I'm talking about today - in particular - are other people's photos and why I should just shut my mouth and NEVER comment on them.  I rarely offer to show anyone my personal photos because like babies, there is really only beauty in the eyes of the beholder and the rest of us are left slack jawed, racking our brains for something appropriate to say.  I tend to share the weird and unusual photos I find on the internet - pics of freakish anomalies, people of Walmart, cats, unorthodox plastic surgery, drag queens ... you get the "picture" (tee hee)...  (friends at work) "Hey!  Wanna see a pic of my family?",  (Me) - "Sure! Wanna see a pic of this guys 12 pound colon?"  Basically, I like to ask to see a photo if I'm really interested, but will politely accept a viewing offer otherwise.  So, here's a quick recap of some of my picture commentary in just one week;

"How cool - you're going to return home a Daddy" (She wasn't pregnant)
"Your grandma has a great smile" (was his wife)
"That little guy musta hurt coming out" (baby had oddly large noggin)
"He's a real cutie" (was his bald, toddler age granddaughter - was wearing green)
... had just made a joke about a trailer park and then saw pictures the next day of relatives in front of their trailer.

Luckily I managed not to comment on the obvious things like inauspicious birthmarks, heart conditions (noted by blueish lips), deformities or just sheer and horrific unfortunateness - in those situations I look for something else in the pic to comment on - even if it's waaaay in the back and off to the side - "I love that table cloth" or "what kind of grill is that?" and "who's the Hummel/commemorative plate/Nascar collector?"  The thing is, I really like the guys I work with and I think it's an honor to be asked to look at their personal pictures - I just wish I would think before I spoke - which has been a life-long curse.  I'm going to have to come up with some pics that I can carry around to prove that there ARE people actually related to me and those who will admit to being my friends - the dating/relationship aspect is totally not for sharing here - as a female, greatly in the minorit, I prefer to not even hint to the fact that I have any type of personal life.  I'm much more comfortable if people think I hang out at home, drink too much wine and make themed, felt outfits for my cats... "OK Louie, today you're going to be a cobbler - no! A flight attendant!"

This week has been a long one so far and I think all will work out in the end when I finally make it to my new home base.  I'm a little tired but much more calm.  I am disappointed, though, to hear that a new crop of toothless, inbred, drug-addled tenants moved into the building behind our condo back at home and now take their calls leaning against the walls of our building while cracked out prostitutes score drugs in their backyard ...  I may have to talk Betsy through  how to make urine balloons so she can lob them from the deck - but just thinking of her even considering doing it makes me laugh hard enough to calm myself down - me, not such a stretch, nor several  pee-ple I know ( you so know who you are...) So, let's toast the trusty old urine balloon as a strategy for fighting crime and undesirable neighbors!

Drink of the night:   Whatever I can get my hands on - I have balloons to fill - this is War!

I want my clothes, Mao!

Hello all - I am sitting in my Afghan condo waiting for the base operations people to come and "count" me and also hopefully simultaneously delaying the future homicide charges I'm going to earn if I don't get out of here soon.  I'm starving and had to be here at a certain time so I couldn't wait another 45 minutes in line to get lunch.  There are so many people here that you can't even get in to eat without an hour wait at least.  I have already spent 2 hours this morning standing in line at the post office so that I could send my loved ones the junk that I carefully selected and price-negotiated for them at the local bazaar - while there, I was only asked 14 times if I wanted to buy a watch or jewelry.  I hope you like your things!

 The Eastern European's are causing my forehead vein to bulge as well - they informed me today - (after promising when I dropped off clothes Sunday that they would be ready) - that they are behind 2 days with laundry.  I am in need of mine because I am supposed to leave very soon.  I can't really depart without my boulder holders and other assorted items.  I was offered the opportunity to walk a mile down the road to the main laundry to retrieve 2 bags of dirty clothes to carry back, but with no guarantee they can locate them.  The planets must be misaligned.  Is the war going to pause because nobody has uniforms to wear?  The Taliban fight in their underwear, so when in Rome - we might as well too.  In my case, I suppose I can plan bases while "commando" but I'd prefer not to do so - I like the extra layer of protection. By the way, I saw some guy on a skateboard here today - WTF?  This is truly surreal. I may have to take my malaria medication early, just to get through the next couple of days.

It's actually really interesting to see the repercussions of the surge overcrowding - it's getting hard to catch flights out of here as well because there are too many people here now.  Some good planning lessons here - I shouldn't complain because at least I'm not in Haiti.  The powers that be are sending out notices that they will be continuously burning garbage for the next 30 days because there's too much of it - this is in addition to the extra-rank bathrooms that are filling up too quickly for the regular cleaning and pump-out schedule - sounds like some somebodies didn't think the troop surge through very thoroughly (to be said aloud, in your best sing-song voice) ... You can go ahead and imagine me passed out on the road, face down in my dirty laundry as a result of being weak with hunger and overcome by burn pit and latrine fumes - the drama of it all! Whatever shall I do - wherever shall I go?

On to other, and more positive things - (this week in Bagram is turning my disposition nasty) - I finally am the proud owner of the 100 year commemorative, Chairman Mao birthday pocket watch!  The little bathroom guy came through for me.  And, as I'm now apt to do, I took a picture of it!

His evil little dictator arm waves back and forth in time with the second hand! Looking at his smiling and benevolent expression on the watch face makes you think this guy was as gentle as a kitten, doesn't it?  He didn't really sentence people to death, but rather to be licked by puppies.  So Mao, I get to come up with all kinds of phrases that incorporate our dear Chairman's name - like, I just did.  Please feel free to send me your best Mao-incorporated statements - but I'm warning you, I already have a cat named Chairman Me-ow, so I'm a little ahead of the game.  Remember - "kill one and send a message to a thousand" - that Mao ... what a knucklehead!

Well I've got to wrap up Mao and get to the friggin' laundry compound.  I think my travel has been delayed again, but I think waiting in line for hours to wash my own clothes - just in case - sounds like fun.  I hope those of you with little ones have all your Easter candy ready for the big day - complete with baby powder to make the bunny tracks!  Mind that you don't let the little ones get too carried away lest they create a mini Jihad in their short pants!  The rebellion of the bowels ... I am sad about missing the Easter meal at home with my family, but I'm here planning the universe and those things can't wait.  I will have Mao tic-toc'ing in my pocket to remind me to enjoy the little things ....little Mao...

Drink of the afternoon - the Mao-tini, chilled, with a whisper of contempt

Happy Birthday Mike K!

What would a Pugilist do?

... probably punch someone in the throat - as I am secretly yearning to do.  I had a very restful night and woke up not feeling like someone kicked me in the kidneys thanks to a good mattress and NASA technology.  I once again, as I do every morning, put a few hints of makeup on in the dark and realized that  I'm getting pretty good at it.  Sometimes I have to apply it using a flashlight and others within the soft glow of a single reading lamp - I am always afraid that I will greet the day looking something like this, but that hasn't happened just yet.  I make some coffee, take a very short trek to work, settle in

to complete my planning data and then the texts begin... "get on the next plane to KAF - they need you there immediately."  I mean really, who's running the show here - monkeys?  I get ahold of a contact there and shockingly, there is no emergency nor any specific and dire need for me to be there instantly.  Plus, I just wasted an entire day moving to a new Bhut, turned my laundry in and won't receive it until the 1st, have no way to manage the shipment of my items in that short of time and I have to get some things shipped home - which takes half a day hanging around with the mouth-breathers at the post office.  Additionally, there is a training slot open for one of the mandatory classes I have to take, but instead they want me to sit in a PAX terminal all day to see if I can get on a flight. I think this has been the first day here where I was ready to knuckle kiss  someone in their pie-hole.  The long and the short of it is that I have a fixed seat in the near future and that's when I'm leaving - until then, I will finish the project I have going and that, as they say, is that.  Wow - thanks for letting me vent into cyberspace.  I'm like an angry little pixie, shaking my fist and spewing bad-mojo around - it comes out as dripping sarcasm, but inside I'm really giving someone an ass-woopin'.  The odd thing is that nobody seems to know where the bright idea originated or the urgency - I will simply be there soon.

Now, on to more positive things.  Another one of the boxes I mailed myself appeared yesterday.  It's number 2 of the 3 that made it here, then back, then here.  The 3rd is still missing and hasn't been seen in either continent to date - I may have to write that one off, but hopefully not.  The day is absolutely beautiful and the mountains are clearly visible.  Last night there was an incredible full moon, so I took some pictures and did some lolly-gagging in my new space - little did I know it would be such a brief affair!   Luckily, I also received a phone call this afternoon from my friend who was shipped down to Kandahar yesterday - (which-is-when-I-should-have-gone-rather-than-moving-if-it-really-was-that-damn-important.... I digress) - and she told me to get there immediately.  Apparently it resembles civilization, the roads are paved, the team there is great - they had a Welcome Packet for her with a map identifying important locations and took her to dinner - we will be the only two in the women's tent for now, the rooms are huge and pristine AND the new showers are almost complete.  You don't have to tell me twice - I am headin' south as soon as I can get my clothes back from the Eastern European laundry service - where, I must say, I am very suspect of exactly what happens to your clothes when you turn them in for cleaning.  There's one young man there I sincerely suspect may try them on beforehand ...  I'm also too scared of the women who run the front desk to ask if they actually use the Tide, or just keep it out for display - I can't understand a word they say, but they laugh at my attempts at humor and can burn the longest continuous cigarette ash I have ever seen - the cigs must be bonded together with baby parts - these gals are t.o.u.g.h.

Because I'm now in a rush, I'm going to sign off with a few quick comments from the news today that I found really entertaining - Ricki Martin came out as a gay man - WOW!  I really didn't see that one coming ... things are heating up with the Kandahar offensive - when aren't they heating up? -  and this last one - I mean, really ... I'm speechless ... here are the mugshots of the religious cult in Michigan who were planning some police killings.  How that solidifies your position in heaven is the angle I haven't quite been able to pinpoint with any level of confidence.

I haven't seen anything this frightening since I had to pull off the main road in southern Kentucky in order to turn the car around - cue the dueling banjo music!

I somehow feel safer over here than I would living within 5 miles of any of these people.  Now I won't be able to get the line "heeere, piggy, piggy" out of my head for the rest of the day. And yes, it does appear that the guy on the end has a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back!

What an excellent example of fine Americans who exude intelligence and good breeding.

Drink of the night - all the Mountain Dews in Mee-Maw's double-wide!  Kidding!  I will be drinking everything left in my fridge because I can't take it with me - cuz I'm the Hillbilly Wino!

Moving Day!

Good Day!  It was moving day here in Bagram - I moved myself and my Bhut mate to a new Bhut and the woman who was living in my new room, to my old Bhut.  Got it?  That's how it works in the military - we could have all stayed put and just moved once - me to Kandahar in a few days, my Bhut mate   back home and the new woman to our old unit after we left - but for some reason, it made more sense for us to do an extra move ... I am accumulating some property considering I just received some boxes from home and one of the three I mailed to myself before I even left - it finally showed up - that was after being shipped here, returned to the U.S. by some of the in-bred postal staff on base, and then mailed back here.  I'm like a turtle carrying my house on my back.  I got some help from one of my co-workers on the final end and he was kind enough to take this amazingly cheerful picture of me as we finished up! I did all of this moving without beer - kudos me!

I am one worn out old lady.  I dread having to pack again and lug all of this to the airport terminal in a few days.  I don't know how I will get this all down there, but once I do - Shangri La folks!  And, I didn't realize what an absolute shit hole (sorry mom) I had been living in until I got to this much nicer and exceptionally larger new space.  It's also much closer to where I work, but also in the area popular with rockets - so keep your fingers crossed that I get out of here with no incidents!

Things are really getting constrained here with the troop surge.  It's crawling with people, equipment and traffic.  I am working the planning end and I can tell you, there isn't enough space or housing for all of the people they are sending here.  I don't think it's as bad where I'm going because it's not so geographically contained.  It's truly unbelievable.

I just found out too, that not only was Obama here yesterday, but so was James Gandlfini - Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts!  How in the hell did I miss all of that?  Here I was, hanging in my crap hole and applying scented lotions to feel better all while the Prez and the Soprano's were here.  I need to figure out where they post this information - fugedaboutit...

This is going to be a short one today as I am exhausted - but look how roomy my new space is! I can sit on my bed and my knees don't touch the furniture - I can dress without smacking my elbows on the handy nail hangers in the walls.  The best part is that my beloved Temper-pedic pillows arrived!  And my new mattress still had a plastic cover and does not feel like I'm sleeping on a hill - it's fabulous and I'm wondering why I was stuck in the Bagram version of an Alcatraz solitary cell for so long.  I don't remember misbehaving or doing anything wrong, but I feel now like I was somehow being punished and nobody told me.

So, I'm going to make myself a nice, non-alcoholic beverage, let my neck and head nest in my space age pillows and watch some more "My Name is Earl" - I don't know how I missed this show, but it's right up my alley - thank you Collin's sisters for recommending it!

Drink of the Night - a combo juice mix of pineapple, orange and grapefruit - we'll see how this little experiment works without the dark rum.

Oh yea - Mary K. ( I don't think it's officially Mary S. just yet) was kind enough to inform me that all of the Easters are on the same day this year, but usually some of the different denominations have different days - let's give Mary a hand for knowing her religious history and just for the hell of it - for being Greek!  Well done Mary!  And Brad, you get a shout-out too - just because I think you secretly really love Easter and the color pink...