Don't ruin a good story with the truth... unless you're a member of the Wino's family!

Greetings!  Here's a picture of me in happier times - on the helicopter on my way to the most recent FOB in need of planning.  Doesn't the Wino look relaxed and natural? This was one interesting trip in so many ways.  The work there will be incredible and I will need to go back and stay for a few weeks because they are tripling the size of this place for the "surge."

However, upon landing we were informed that the FOB was under constant attack, so that meant "full battle rattle" which for us means having to wear the helmet and vest all day - an extra 30 - 40 lbs.  No biggie as I felt safer with it on.  However, while getting into one of the trucks I felt the snap on my pants open and casually stepped back off onto the boulder size gravel to check my lady parts and their security... only to snap my ankle as it rolled sideways.  Let me tell you - the pain was so bad I was about to pull a Linda Blair, complete with the head spin - but the Wino wasn't about to appear to be a baby!  I calmly got the projectile vomiting potential in check and announced that there was a small issue and I could no longer walk.  Long story short, I only lost 45 minutes and was back on task with a temporary cast, an ankle the size of a grapefruit and so high from the pain meds that I literally felt like I floated around the base.  Walking on the crutches with the extra 40lbs on the rough terrain while medicated basically caused me to look something like a large, frankensteinish toddler - but we finished the work in a small truck so I could film the rest of the site.

It then became more surreal as we had to travel outside of the wire into the expansion area - there we were surrounded by a group of locals and nobody could understand the other - pretty interesting situation since all of the fire had been coming from the surrounding village.  I had been taping video of the expansion so I just started taping them and low and behold - they liked being on camera and everyone calmed down!  I have the video and hope I am never in that type of situation again - it should be fun to review, but I was extremely nervous and also on a ton of pain medication - needless to say, it was an extremely interesting day.  I don't ever want to be that close to locals outside of the base again.  I still don't know what the issue was but the Afghan security forces we are training (they live on the base too) showed up and calmed them down.  They were being pissy about something!  I'll try to post the video on  Facebook.

The day was topped off at night when I had to wear all of the gear to the port-a-john, walking on crutches with a flashlight and then once inside, trying to utilize the facilities balanced on one good leg, hit my mark and still try not to touch anything or fall into the urinal all in complete darkness - ta da!  Oh yes, then you had to get your pants up and head back - thankfully it was night and I was spared some embarrassment by the cover of darkness.  I had a fit of the giggles during most of this because I simply couldn't imagine that this was actually happening - the truth was seriously stranger than any fiction.  I was completely over all of it by the time we left this morning.

Here's a picture of where one of the rockets hit a storage container - Boom!  No more fresh produce - we weren't allowed to eat in the DFAC because of the attacks so we had to eat all meals elsewhere - apparently they were targeting the eating facilities and had something against fruit and vegetables ... attacking the produce will certainly gain you an advantage in this conflict! " I don't need no stinkin' fresh peaches!"

I am finally back in KAF, in my comfy room and ready to take it easy for a day or so before I get back to the business of planning.  I am absolutely dead tired and feel a bit like crap but tomorrow is a new day and I'm certain all will be well!

Drink of the night - pain meds mixed with hot tea and thoughts of kittens...

Good Morning!  The interlet finally let me on the network and able to post this morning - just in time to drop a few lines before I meet my helicopter to go camping a ways down the road.  By camping I mean sleeping bag on the ground - unless we are lucky enough to find cots.  Sign me up for the Smores!  Usually one doesn't have this type of detail but since we were cancelled last night due to weather I have a had a whole evening to ponder my sleeping arrangements and how, heaven's sake, to pack for such a trip!

I am looking forward to this data gathering event though.  When you get to these remote bases, you remember what's going on around you constantly.  We are so cut off here on this large base - no easy access to news or TV - and falling into a routine that it's often easy to forget exactly where you are and what's going on around you - these small bases bring that all home in often alarming and austere ways.  Planning these places is why I'm here!

I am happy to say I celebrated my 44th here just like I had been hatched from a nunnery! There was no fun, flamboyant displays of exuberance or any alcohol - I looked for special gifts just for me, sent along by the powers that be.  I experienced an amazing thunderstorm, crossed paths with the most unhinged Jingle Truck and received a very used fridge - but it works and I can now enjoy ice and cold beverages! Thank you all for such  nice birthday wishes and the care packages - nicer and more meaningful than any of you will ever know!

This is a short post because I'm on my way out and just was able to access the world!  I'd like to wish my sister a VERY happy 41st today - wish I could be there to celebrate with you, but birthday season is all  yours this year - so bask in the limelight!

Drink of the day - A Donut Hole coffee with some real cream and a Splenda!

The Hillbilly is Back!

Greetings all from Kandahar and my tent of tranquility! (pictured here and doctored up with a fun little photo program I enjoy playing with). My space is in the back on the left and you can see that I have the tent window open which is actually an excellent feature - light in your living space is a good thing!

So much has happened with so little internet access that I will have to give you the Cliff Notes version.  This place is the "solar" opposite of Bagram - much more spread out and international with many more amenities.  The living and working quarters are spacious and new as well as the bathroom facilities.  The downside is that it's hard to escape from the live/work area - we have very few vehicles for many people to share - so it takes quite a bit of coordination to get anywhere.  I bought a bike - check, that problem is now solved.  Riding it anywhere here is a true adventure in itself and trying to see the 7 foot ditches and other obstacles in dust storms and general haze has been a challenge, but I'm doing it!  It's so dusty here that the few trees and plants that exist are actually a light grey and hard to notice at first ... all 5 of them ... So, I'm living the dream here as a sweaty, sticky and dusty, middle-aged version of Pig Pen.  

Our work/living area is on the south side of the base and basically a tent city necessary to house the many troops transferring through the base.

This pic I took from the top of one of the bunkers outside of my work tent - I love this picture for some reason.  Maybe because it really captures the actual situation here - the rounded tent is inside my compound and the remainder are the transitional tents that we wade through in order to reach the nearest DFAC.  Speaking of bunkers, I seem to be in them frequently.  We have many rocket attacks here so you spend some time getting personally acquainted with the ground and these bunkers - aren't they simply homey?  Does anyone else notice the proliferation of all shades of brown? I like to crawl up on these at night and look around the ant farm ... if only I had a cocktail the experience would be complete!                                    

                                                                                                                                                       

Now let me explain the work situation here - which I'm happy to report that at the time of this posting is much improved.... There's actually a ton of it going on and it's as interesting as I'd hope it would be.  I have two FOBs to plan already and they are a crazy mess.  Finally, I'm in one place long enough to commit to a project.  However, we had quite the issue with a controlling, nasty little queen here at first - we'll call him Bam Bam.  It was going to be a long 9 months with this guy trying to micro manage his peers via an administrative point person position.  If you get my meaning, he is not our supervisor but wants to play one on TV - in particular he planned to "manage" the only 2 women here which didn't go over well with either of us.  HW used up a lot of valuable energy being one in-your-face, aggressive and intimidating bee-otch - which, is an unfortunate side effect of being here.  If you don't lay down the law, so to speak, in a very open and intimidating manner ... your life here (especially as a woman), will be very difficult.  You will be figuratively chewed up if viewed as passive or easy to control.  Bam Bam has since been given very specific criteria for his duties as an administrative point of contact for our team and HW has been allowing him to save face, whilst totally prepared to viciously attack if need be - I feel I've become like a pet rattlesnake ... don't turn over my rock!  Other than that, the team I work with is great and I very much enjoy working with them.  We also work out together at the cleanest place I've seen in Afghanistan - the NATO gym.  Seriously.

Since it's early in the morning here, the internet is allowing me some access to bandwidth which is why I am posting all of these pics.  This is my room which has become very domestic and westernized thanks to several thoughtful and generous care packages from you fools at home!  That white wall pictured flaps in the wind constantly as does the ceiling, but the rest of the room is delineated by plywood partitions and a nice, cement floor.  It is a tent though and I'm thankful not to have issue with large moths - I am working on a program to get rid of them - they're everywhere as are other things that can crawl right in.

I will post more photos on Facebook as I collect them.  I've been here two weeks, but not out much and I hope to change that today - I'm headed to this place on my bike - The Boardwalk - to enjoy more sun and a feeling of normalcy.  They watch our time more closely here so it's cramped my wandering style a bit along with being on the outskirts of base.  Oh, by the way - the huge poo pond treatment area ... the smell permeates everything when the wind shits ... I mean shifts ... unbelievable!  But I actually saw a couple walking around it holding hands the other day - priceless!  And me without a camera - but with no scratch and sniff lens you lose the overall odor effect.

Drink of the day - Crystal light with an ice cube in my new water bottle!

A picture speaks a thousand words - just not always the right ones!

Today I'm devoting a portion of this blog to the glory of the photograph - and my new effort in avoiding them!  When you're someplace like this, where everyone is away from home, the photograph is not necessarily your friend.  Of course your own photos may bring you a level of comfort, make you smile or even laugh out loud - what I'm talking about today - in particular - are other people's photos and why I should just shut my mouth and NEVER comment on them.  I rarely offer to show anyone my personal photos because like babies, there is really only beauty in the eyes of the beholder and the rest of us are left slack jawed, racking our brains for something appropriate to say.  I tend to share the weird and unusual photos I find on the internet - pics of freakish anomalies, people of Walmart, cats, unorthodox plastic surgery, drag queens ... you get the "picture" (tee hee)...  (friends at work) "Hey!  Wanna see a pic of my family?",  (Me) - "Sure! Wanna see a pic of this guys 12 pound colon?"  Basically, I like to ask to see a photo if I'm really interested, but will politely accept a viewing offer otherwise.  So, here's a quick recap of some of my picture commentary in just one week;

"How cool - you're going to return home a Daddy" (She wasn't pregnant)
"Your grandma has a great smile" (was his wife)
"That little guy musta hurt coming out" (baby had oddly large noggin)
"He's a real cutie" (was his bald, toddler age granddaughter - was wearing green)
... had just made a joke about a trailer park and then saw pictures the next day of relatives in front of their trailer.

Luckily I managed not to comment on the obvious things like inauspicious birthmarks, heart conditions (noted by blueish lips), deformities or just sheer and horrific unfortunateness - in those situations I look for something else in the pic to comment on - even if it's waaaay in the back and off to the side - "I love that table cloth" or "what kind of grill is that?" and "who's the Hummel/commemorative plate/Nascar collector?"  The thing is, I really like the guys I work with and I think it's an honor to be asked to look at their personal pictures - I just wish I would think before I spoke - which has been a life-long curse.  I'm going to have to come up with some pics that I can carry around to prove that there ARE people actually related to me and those who will admit to being my friends - the dating/relationship aspect is totally not for sharing here - as a female, greatly in the minorit, I prefer to not even hint to the fact that I have any type of personal life.  I'm much more comfortable if people think I hang out at home, drink too much wine and make themed, felt outfits for my cats... "OK Louie, today you're going to be a cobbler - no! A flight attendant!"

This week has been a long one so far and I think all will work out in the end when I finally make it to my new home base.  I'm a little tired but much more calm.  I am disappointed, though, to hear that a new crop of toothless, inbred, drug-addled tenants moved into the building behind our condo back at home and now take their calls leaning against the walls of our building while cracked out prostitutes score drugs in their backyard ...  I may have to talk Betsy through  how to make urine balloons so she can lob them from the deck - but just thinking of her even considering doing it makes me laugh hard enough to calm myself down - me, not such a stretch, nor several  pee-ple I know ( you so know who you are...) So, let's toast the trusty old urine balloon as a strategy for fighting crime and undesirable neighbors!

Drink of the night:   Whatever I can get my hands on - I have balloons to fill - this is War!

I want my clothes, Mao!

Hello all - I am sitting in my Afghan condo waiting for the base operations people to come and "count" me and also hopefully simultaneously delaying the future homicide charges I'm going to earn if I don't get out of here soon.  I'm starving and had to be here at a certain time so I couldn't wait another 45 minutes in line to get lunch.  There are so many people here that you can't even get in to eat without an hour wait at least.  I have already spent 2 hours this morning standing in line at the post office so that I could send my loved ones the junk that I carefully selected and price-negotiated for them at the local bazaar - while there, I was only asked 14 times if I wanted to buy a watch or jewelry.  I hope you like your things!

 The Eastern European's are causing my forehead vein to bulge as well - they informed me today - (after promising when I dropped off clothes Sunday that they would be ready) - that they are behind 2 days with laundry.  I am in need of mine because I am supposed to leave very soon.  I can't really depart without my boulder holders and other assorted items.  I was offered the opportunity to walk a mile down the road to the main laundry to retrieve 2 bags of dirty clothes to carry back, but with no guarantee they can locate them.  The planets must be misaligned.  Is the war going to pause because nobody has uniforms to wear?  The Taliban fight in their underwear, so when in Rome - we might as well too.  In my case, I suppose I can plan bases while "commando" but I'd prefer not to do so - I like the extra layer of protection. By the way, I saw some guy on a skateboard here today - WTF?  This is truly surreal. I may have to take my malaria medication early, just to get through the next couple of days.

It's actually really interesting to see the repercussions of the surge overcrowding - it's getting hard to catch flights out of here as well because there are too many people here now.  Some good planning lessons here - I shouldn't complain because at least I'm not in Haiti.  The powers that be are sending out notices that they will be continuously burning garbage for the next 30 days because there's too much of it - this is in addition to the extra-rank bathrooms that are filling up too quickly for the regular cleaning and pump-out schedule - sounds like some somebodies didn't think the troop surge through very thoroughly (to be said aloud, in your best sing-song voice) ... You can go ahead and imagine me passed out on the road, face down in my dirty laundry as a result of being weak with hunger and overcome by burn pit and latrine fumes - the drama of it all! Whatever shall I do - wherever shall I go?

On to other, and more positive things - (this week in Bagram is turning my disposition nasty) - I finally am the proud owner of the 100 year commemorative, Chairman Mao birthday pocket watch!  The little bathroom guy came through for me.  And, as I'm now apt to do, I took a picture of it!

His evil little dictator arm waves back and forth in time with the second hand! Looking at his smiling and benevolent expression on the watch face makes you think this guy was as gentle as a kitten, doesn't it?  He didn't really sentence people to death, but rather to be licked by puppies.  So Mao, I get to come up with all kinds of phrases that incorporate our dear Chairman's name - like, I just did.  Please feel free to send me your best Mao-incorporated statements - but I'm warning you, I already have a cat named Chairman Me-ow, so I'm a little ahead of the game.  Remember - "kill one and send a message to a thousand" - that Mao ... what a knucklehead!

Well I've got to wrap up Mao and get to the friggin' laundry compound.  I think my travel has been delayed again, but I think waiting in line for hours to wash my own clothes - just in case - sounds like fun.  I hope those of you with little ones have all your Easter candy ready for the big day - complete with baby powder to make the bunny tracks!  Mind that you don't let the little ones get too carried away lest they create a mini Jihad in their short pants!  The rebellion of the bowels ... I am sad about missing the Easter meal at home with my family, but I'm here planning the universe and those things can't wait.  I will have Mao tic-toc'ing in my pocket to remind me to enjoy the little things ....little Mao...

Drink of the afternoon - the Mao-tini, chilled, with a whisper of contempt

Happy Birthday Mike K!