Two for the Show...

First week back to work from any vacation is less than stellar, but first the week back here has been a combination of environmental assault, total boredom and yearning for all things green!  Coming back wasn't all that bad barring the minor discomfort of finding myself outside of the wire and temporarily not able to get back in.  However, my lungs, eyes and nasal passages are fighting every minute of it!  It's been so bad here that the sun wasn't even visible for the last four days.  Simply nasty weather in a nasty place and I had become rather fond of moisture in the air during my two week reprieve.  I fear my ongoing daily confrontation with my Kleenex as it holds the horrors of Afghanistan!  Body fluids aside, I am really missing the freedom to roam and of course the beautiful beaches, but that was to be expected.  Other than that, I have been incredibly bored, impatient and restless all week as I get settled back into my routine.  Fortunately, as is typical, it's all picking up quickly and simultaneously of course.  I have had the same trip out cancelled all week due to weather and it's finally leaving tomorrow morning for a quick day trip - to be followed by a about a week long venture out after that - to a place that I hope has more to offer now than port-a-johns.  We'll see if my planning efforts have paid off, as the idea of a port-a-john in 115 degree heat doesn't seem too appealing - but they have an abundance of ice cream there!  I need to get out of here soon before I develop any significant apprehension about flying - I haven't been out of here (except for vacation) for weeks and it's been long enough to make me paranoid about flying being that it's become so "active" over here this summer.  I'll get over it.

Big news!  A very good friend finally had her twins last week - I still can't believe it!  When I left, she was barely showing so it's strange to think of her with two little infants now.  She and her significant other will be excellent parental units and I'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to them!  That's double the poo and spit up, but it couldn't happen to better people.  Can't wait to meet the little guys either!  It's a child army.  Babies... I missed the maternal chip when they were handing those out and find them kind of scary.  I prefer them old enough to tell me what they need or at least point and scream - I still do that now and its pretty effective.  I do enjoy being an Aunt but have to be very careful of not being too much of myself around the childrenz - I have developed a second language so that my family and friends still will allow my around their offspring.  "that's a bunch of shittake" "sweet baby goats"  "Fred and Ethel!" all originate from much more sinister and inappropriate terminology, but you do what you have to do - the sacrifices I make for those kids - it's a pain in my "hoo hah".

I hear it's extremely hot and muggy back in the states - like forearm sweaty muggy!  Nasty stuff, but I still might consider that a trade up from here.  Close though - it stinks when it's too hot to even enjoy being outside.  I miss outside, on the river, with friends and icy beverages!  Happy Birthday to Kim and Lisa who are in the midst of birthday season!  Enjoy the Haufbrau and have one for me!  This has been one of the most boring posts yet, but I promise more blood and guts next time!

Drink of the Night - Rootbeer!

Back in Afghanistinkistan!

After much consideration of the repercussions related to not returning from Thailand, I reluctantly decided to come back to the ol' stink hole.  What a wonderful and relaxing two weeks - the best part was that it felt like a month and that's exactly how long I want a two week vacation to feel.  Really amazing place and we were fortunate to have seen so much of Phuket while still spending a huge amount of time in the pool and at the beach.  Here's a rundown of what we actually did peel ourselves away from lounge chairs to do -  day long yacht trip out to two beautiful and remote little islands to snorkel and walk around, the Jewbilee went to a Thai cooking school for a day, went to see the Big Buddha, elephants and a temple, adventurous night in Patong, hit two different beaches, did a beach BBQ and just a lot of strolling around, cocktails, eating and swimming.   I now fear I look like Buddha, but with hair. We saw many prostitutes and questionables while there and tons of fat, white old men which made me feel badly for the prostitutes.  The most interesting situation to witness were these fat old guys, or generally unattractive men, on dates or entertaining Thai "girlfriends".  Some of the women seemed engaged, but many sat around, scowled, played on their iPhones, etc.  How could that be any fun for either party?  But it was everywhere and we were thoroughly entertained by it.

We both arrived to each of our destinations safely and are preparing to once again be ensconced in our respective routines.  I had heard many speak of typical Dubai Arabs as the most rude, arrogant and nasty people around and I have to say that after two trips through Dubai, I would agree - I'd like to add that they have more children than old school Catholics (non of which are expected to behave) and are all around jackasses.  My flight from Dubai had about 70 screaming offspring of these people and about 50 on the way back.  They cut in line, ran over your feet with their suitcases, didn't think any of the airline rules applied to them but at least they smelled good!  They make the French look like boisterous, friendly Australians.  I still have the din of screaming kids in my ears.  One thing we learned is that no matter what the culture, all kids whine, run to the toy section, hit their siblings and scream on airplanes - it was truly educational.

The flight to Afghanistan was interesting to say the least.  I took an Afghan airline that landed at KAF but taxied to the Kandahar Airport right outside the wire.  This building was at one time quite regal, but was now bombed out, overgrown and austere.  My passport cleared the country but initially, I was not allowed back on base and was therefore technically an illegal alien.  I sat outside the airport, which meant outside the wire, the lone and unarmed American for about two hours while my friends tried to get me access back onto base.  Initially they wanted me to fly back to where I came from and then back on an airline that flies to, and remains on, KAF.  That would have been a huge pain seeing that there was nowhere to even buy a ticket or make an inquiry at the Kandahar Airport.  Plus I was tired, hot and a bit over this part of my trip. I was finally taken onto base by a British Royal Airforce MP who happened to see me out there and knew I was in potentially huge trouble.  He thankfully had been there on an unrelated issue and that was a huge stroke of luck for me.  Not a fun way to end a beautiful trip, but I'm now officially back and trying to catch up on sleep after a long trip in the comfort of my tent.  Returning wasn't so bad, but I don't have electric on my side of the tent so I'm depending on the kind use of an extension cord and neighbor's electric to power my computer!

Thank you everyone for so many good wishes for enjoyment on my vacation - very nice and greatly appreciated.  Now I will waste away the hours planning for my next one coming up in several months!  It's nice to return and see that half a month has passed too.  It was 115 degrees yesterday and to be even hotter today - I guess August is the hottest month and then things start to become more bearable.  After the heat and humidity in Thailand and Dubai, this doesn't even seem that bad - I guess I could actually live in Vegas year around seeing that now I know I can stand the heat!

Drink of the Day - sadly, back to the universal solvent - cold, cold water.

Chillaxin'!!!

Wow!  Sleep and relaxation have never felt so good.  I am to the bone tired and didn't realize it - no gunfire, bombing or rocket attack sirens at night do a girl good!  So far, this has been a perfect trip and there are MANY more days remaining.  Time is thankfully passing slowly and we don't wear our watches, so we eat, drink, swim and wander whenever we feel like it.  Dubai was amazing but hot and muggy unlike anything I have ever experienced - good for a day though.  Made an exotic purchase of a Samsonite and then some perfume oils that are fabulous and then got on a plane and headed the hell out of there!  Here's a steamy pic of one of the street sculptures and the tallest building in the world from the inside of the largest mall in the world - size complex, maybe?  I ended up in the Dubai airport for many hours waiting for my 11pm flight, then tried to sleep sitting up for six and a half hours - by the time I reached Thailand I was exhausted, but only a 5 hour layover until Phuket!

I absolutely love Thailand.  It's incredible - excellent resorts, but still the soft underbelly of street life that I am so drawn to - tons of ladyboys here which has been interesting.  So different than their counterparts in the states, but since they aren't ostracized here, it creates an obvious difference in demeanor.  The resort we are enjoying this first week is amazing - the villa is 3 stories with a private plunge pool on the top and our own butler.  We are so used to doing grunt work that it's been an adjustment to let someone else cater to your every whim, but I am somehow dealing with it :)  It's incredibly serene, quiet and beautifully landscaped here - every place on the street has gardens, potted plants, little spirit houses and shrines all over AND they burn incense 24-7 here.  I brought a ton with me because I cannot burn it obviously in my tent room and miss it greatly.  I have thrived on it from way back in the day of being 12 and burning my strawberry incense from Spencer's Gifts, while listening to my Rush albums - oh yea, and ELO along with the K-tel mixed albums.  Haven't thought about any of that until arriving here!  This is the lobby of this stunning place - I really can't say enough about it except that we are here off-season and that made it much more affordable!

We lounged by the pool the first night, ordered some delicious grub from the 5-star restaurant here, drank a ton of wine and beer and basically reveled in gluttony!  The pic on the left is one of the lagoon pool areas in the main section and the one on the right is the Jewbilee in the corridor walkway from our swanky residence.  Yesterday we explored the streets and local shops around the resort, swam and floated around in our pool then shaved the legs and were off to the beachfront bar and restaurant which were AMAZING - and they shot off fireworks on the sand.  Lots of menfolk with their Thai dates and you know how much I love what that scene insinuates - seediness!!!  Here's a pic of me before I realized I needed to button up and a pic of the bar.  Boobie alert!  AnyDrunkyMcMurphy ... we ended a fabulous day with an evening swim.

More to come later this week, but count on it being self-indulgent and low-brow!  Of course I would be speaking of me, as my traveling compadre is the pinnacle of self-control and appropriateness - that was, until this trip!  We are truly having a blast and a wonderful time and thank you all for your enthusiasm and well wishes for this much needed vacation!

Drink of the Day - a wine-beer-rum-fruitjuice assortment of beverages!  My liver is in excellent form so far!

Roger that!

What an interesting week!  Our fearless general and his comrades come off like 20-something stoners at a frat house, one beer bong away from restrained conversation - I still cannot believe that McChrsytal's commentary was not somehow ... purposeful? A way to exit a losing military strategy due to the fact that we will never be here long enough to win "hearts and minds?  Who knows, but allowing a reporter to partake in your alcohol fueled chatfest with your besties of girlfriends certainly wasn't the smartest thing in the world.  I just kept thinking of Beavis and Butthead ...  "heh, heh - you said "bite me" - heh, heh" - poor, ignored Biden - that's more press than he's received since he became vice president.  They should have all run off to Fire Island for a weekend of throw-caution-to-the-wind male bonding, and worked it out privately rather than via a Rolling Stones article.  Not much reaction over here and possibly some disappointment that the strategy isn't planned to change.  Maybe we'll at least get Burger King back.  This war has long been less than newsworthy in the US, but hopefully we now have a population of citizens who at least know where Afghanistan is - and hopefully they took note of Pakistan's location as that little nugget of peace-loving people will become the next poster children for "democratic opportunity"!

Next weekend at this time, I shall be blogging from the comfort of my private plunge pool, in a destination full of lush greenery - cocktail in hand, satisfied smile on my face, flutter kicking my way to happiness and joy in clear, chlorinated waters.  I'm pretty excited to just get to walk around - freely - and not be around a bunch of people dressed alike with weapons.  I've almost forgotten that people can do things. like laundry or take in a cup of joe, without an automatic assault rifle dangling from their shoulder.  I've been goosed more than once by weaponry while trying to navigate narrow walkways so I think certain parts of my anatomy will actually be able to relax while walking through a crowd - what a novel idea!  Even walking barefoot will be a liberating experience, not to mention a hot, soaking tubbie.  Needless to say, I cannot wait and then you will not have to read about it anymore.

Today is my much anticipated day off where I clean my 10 x 10 foot tent space and stay inside all day.  Yesterday was 122 degrees and not much cooler in these tents - I felt like the skin was going to melt off of my arms.  Thank the higher power for good, technical clothing because you can actually dry off in this heat once you find air circulation.  I have long gotten used to brushing the salt deposits off my face and eyebrows that the sweat leaves behind - my very own, homemade exfoliating salt scrub.  The only thing that really gets irritating is that you will sweat so much that you can be temporarily blinded by it running into and burning the hell out of your eyeballs.  That's especially fun while driving, but since we can't go over 20 Km, there's plenty of time to correct the wheel - you seriously are never out of second gear.  It's like permanently driving with your Grandma - at war - on a Sunday, to the pharmacy ...  I so miss my grandma - Grammy P - she would get a kick out of me being here!


Well - this Desert Warrior (that's a computer and pen Warrior) is soon to be a fruity Dessert Warrior!  Can't wait for some fresh fruit and veggies, Thai food and some high brow umbrella drinks - the countdown is on! I hope you are all enjoying your weekends - I certainly intend to!

Drink of the Day - Water, with a splash of water - chilled and stirred to the left.

This one's for Poo!

Good Morning Everyone!  Hope you all enjoyed a fantastic week and are in the midst of an excellent weekend.  I was reminded that its Geotta Fest in my place of residence - a whole festival dedicated to one of my favorite foods! Although I have to admit that I have no clue what's in geotta and I'm not sure I want to know - the most important issue is that I love it and that it pops when you cook it!

Today I'm dedicating this post to my active fantasy and day dreaming life.  These pics are from one of the resorts I will be enjoying in just about 12 days.  I can almost smell the pool and ocean and hear the ice clinking in my rum and fruit drink!  I have not been totally or mentally committed to Afghanistan for the past month and it gets worse as this two week reprieve closes in.

Oh my!  The words I am typing just ran into the bed I will be enjoying for an entire week at this particular location.  We are staying at another mind boggling place the week before this - Phuket, for two weeks, in two different resorts!  My Momma did not raise a dummy!  Being crammed into a bottom-bunk twin bed will only be a memory once I am here!  There will be no walls that flap in the wind nor any co-habitants that are right on the other side of a plywood wall divider.  This place also has a soaking tub, access to ice cubes and from the looks of it, very little dust or dirt!

What?  You say I can fall from my room directly into the pool?  Fabulous!  As long as nobody pulls a "Natalie Wood", this sounds perfect so far.  So, this is how it plays out in my head day after day after day...  it will be so nice to swim in a pool as compared to showering in non-potable, chlorinated water.  I am also planning to leave a day early and spend the night in Dubai.  That should give me a day to "get right" so that I will be less potentially annoying to my traveling companion.  I feel like I've been here for years!   The Thailand adventure will also involve a day of cooking school on the beach and also a day of boating, sea canoeing and snorkeling in the outer islands.   Being over here seems to be worthwhile if I can continue to travel like this!  It really can't get here fast enough.  OK, I'm finished with  the vacation talk.  On to more pertinent matters...

Our tent now has 3 more residents as these women from the Department of Development just moved in - it took some minor adjusting, but I am used to them now.  For the last several months it has been just me and one other person in this tent - she and I are pretty quiet and extremely clean - hopefully these women will be as well.  Apparently the friends and family of Menno Paws must have still been living in the tent because once the new residents moved in, the mice were back - I think their ghettos were torn down and they were therefore provided with housing vouchers and moved to my room.  I came back from the gym yesterday morning and kept hearing a horrific squeaking only to find TWO mice stuck on the sticky pad my parental units had sent me!  Still alive, biting each other, stuck to this glue trap - it was really horrible.  I had to call a friend over to retrieve them and they were tossed into the dumpster.  I seriously felt horrible about it for a few minutes, but then remembered how afraid I am of what exists right up the food chain and got over it.  Hell, those glue traps work well!  The other traps in my room didn't even go off.  Today I spent pulling everything out of its place and cleaning - surprisingly, I found mouse poo everywhere and they apparently have an appetite for  Ramen Noodles and like hanging out in my metal locker-closet.  Nasty!  But now all is clean and I have a better idea where to check for evidence in the future.

So, no rocket attacks at all this week.  Weird and creepy.  Apparently the intel is rather disturbing with reports of the Taliban hoarding their supplies in order to launch a bigger attack.  They had better hope that nothing disturbs my two week escape from this place or there will be hell to pay and a few less virgins to meet them in their promised land!  I can't remember how many they are promised for being martyrs, but it's significant - which is quite interesting since their religious beliefs lead to significant sexual encounters with other men and boys.  I talked to a doctor working over here with the Afghan/Taliban population who told me that anal gonorrhea is at epidemic proportions here - "yuck-O" - anyone who knows me well would know how much i enjoyed hearing that information and placing it in my Fun and Disturbing Facts file in me head!  That's a lot of sore butts and may explain some of the defecation issues here (I sat in yet another meeting where pooping in the shower by these guys was discussed).  I have requested pictures of the signs they post at these FOBs.  One is of a man squatting in the shower over a pile of poo with a line thru it (not permitted) - there's also one for no standing on the toilet and another that nobody understood, which I can't even begin to describe.  So, be excited!  I will post these as soon as I get them.  What am I, 2?  I don't know why I find this whole situation so unbelievable, yet entertaining.  So to be fair, here's something the Afghans do very, very well - garden!

This is a greenhouse that an Afghan resident had constructed and grown at one of the FOBs I am planning.  It was beautiful.  They also like to grow a ton of weed and hashish and spend many hours a day high as kites.  Oh yes, and there's the opium - they need to open a University here ... Must make training them pretty interesting.  I'm totally confident in their abilities to defend their own country from the Taliban - right... but they certainly do have green thumbs (and troublesome posteriors).

I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.  I plan on thoroughly enjoying the remainder of mine!

Drink of the Day - Ice Cold Water, but with no ice...