Ugly Babies

It's Sunday and therefore a relaxing day off.  This is made much nicer by the fact that it's no longer hot enough to burn the skin off your arms so I am actually tooling around the compound - doing laundry, enjoying a smoke, staring at the dirt, counting flies and killing large ants.  That got boring quickly so I'm back in the tent getting ready to enjoy some movies and a good read - but at least I have options!  They have been doing controlled explosions several times a day lately - every day - and it's getting old.  I think they detonate explosives they find, rockets that hit base and didn't go off and bombs they dropped during training that didn't explode.  They are also close enough to make the tent walls collapse and rattle you to the bone.  I simply don't even think the warning makes any difference - every time one goes off we all clench and jump.  And I wonder why I am so tired all the time...  As for our mission, one of the commanders I work with said that we are squeezing the Taliban "like a zit" around here so our mission is actually working.  This was after he told me that no longer being the Mayor of the FOB he and I were working on was like "watching someone else sleep with your wife" - my all time favorite though was when I heard the FOBs described as "ugly babies" with the "me wants" and that our job was to determine how much plastic surgery they needed - needless to say, I really like this guy and think he's funny as hell.  We truly do focus largely on how to get food into, and the poo out of, these FOBs so I guess they are like babies - big, ugly, nasty, angry babies.

By the way, a FOB Mayor is the big guy in charge of the FOB and runs the show - we work with the FOB Mayors and the senior command of the groups assigned to those FOBs - think National Geographic Channel and specials on rams butting heads to the death during mating season and you'll get some idea of what it's like working with guys at this level.  Thankfully I have retained a sense of humor because it gets quite dicey and not always a place for "nice ladies" during these planning meetings - Precious!

This week has not been too exciting - one helicopter ride out to a FOB, and moving office tents.  It feels like we're waiting for something but nobody can place what that something actually is.  I did enjoy an evening at the boardwalk last night and took in a hockey game, volleyball and rugby while waiting for my future prospective employer to arrive.  Looks like this gal will be planning parks for a few months in the near future and words cannot describe how hopeful I am that all works out with the details of this new contract.  When that is over, they are very certain that there will be other work for me with them here in lovely Afghanistinkistan or elsewhere.  Not only will the work be immensely interesting, but much more broad based so the boredom factor should be greatly reduced.  I have become quite adept at what I'm currently doing, which means I can do it faster and more efficiently - both of those attributes aren't necessarily good things here when you really need to pace yourself to fill the time.  So, my references will FINALLY receive a call (thank you in advance) and then the Hillbilly will be all about the green and tranquility of parks in Afghanistan.  Oh yea, the Wino will also be able to officially enjoy the fermented grape here too with this new position - they do not have to follow the rules that I currently must live by.  I will close this portion of the blog by saying that my interview started with my prospective boss wanting to sit somewhere she could smoke and the first story she told involved her indulging in a gin and tonic and something exploding - she had me at "smoke" and the gin and tonic story just sealed it.  Incredibly interesting person though and she's done some amazing work here, in the Congo and in Nepal - all for the same company.  Needless to say, I am hoping my future career looks like something similar.

Fatus babyus (a new species discovered by the Wino)

Lets see, thanks to my brother I totally kicked butt in points last weekend with Fantasy Football - excellent!  I'm slowly closing in on Team Who Dey, who is owned by my dear friend Mr. Greer - watch your back fella!  It still is strange to not enjoy any football which is my favorite sport that happens to occur during my favorite time of year.  Ms. Washella celebrated a birthday in London on Saturday(I just said that out loud in my best British accent) and another special person in my life turns 50 - yes, that's 50 - on Tuesday! (I used no accent with that one...)  Wow.  They are both older than me and therefore blazing that aging trail and doing it quite well.  Happy early Birthday Jewbilee - I think you will be hung over when you read this after your evening out with that dear gaggle of hags we love so much.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend and hopefully by the next time I post I will have some kind of official word on my new j-o-b!  Still have not been able to lure Quick Paws McGraw anywhere near me - I must be trying too hard. Until next time!

Drink of the Day - Sobe flavored waters!

Green Thumbs!

It's been a long and interesting week in the wasteland.  I nice day of shopping for pirated CDs yesterday led to an enjoyable Saturday night and Sunday afternoon of entertainment.  Still moving my office to a new tent, preparing for some adventures at the FOBs this coming week and more of the Airforce unit we've been working with for the last six months continue to leave - we are now adapting to their replacements. My cold/flu is slowly going away and has left me so far, with no ability to taste my food - I can only sense the texture.  Yummy!  My brother sent me a great link for my fantasy football league which should even the proverbial playing field - one more thing to look forward to on Mondays now - the scores and hopefully my team kicking some booty!  AND - I finally may have some progress in my hunt for a new, more career oriented position. Oh, and I really miss my cats - pictured above enjoying my visit home by not paying any attention to me.

For months, the one constant and continual bitch and complaint I continue to have involves the sad fact that everything here is beige and there is no greenery to be found.  I oddly am now - this close - to hopefully acquiring a new position as a park planner in Kandahar City - kooky and weird, eh?  The new organization and I met yesterday and this is what they want me to do for them as an initial employment project.  Now I just wait to be contacted by corporate, work out the details and get my green thumb a-go-go in the most dangerous place in Afghanistan.  I am beyond excited and hope this happens quickly - Me - large and in charge of all things green!  I will keep you all posted as to the status of this shindig but it's really an unusual and unique project to say the least.  The concept of public space in Afghanistan has major issues in itself but then add the diminished role of women and the dominance of religion and it should be quite interesting in what we're able to create.  I will be working with the local government and community leaders to determine the ultimate objectives and amenities of the parks.  And that everyone, is all I know at this point.  Mom, before you freak out reading this, I think this work happens from smaller outposts and with a military partner - there's no way you would ever be tooling around outside the wire without a military escort.  OK everybody - Who Loves Trees?!  If not parks, then I think casinos and racetracks are warranted here - there's  a huge potential market for gambling and the climate reminds me of Las Vegas anyway.  Ponies!  Burlesque! Gaudiness!  This was a pic of a greenhouse these Afghan guys had on a FOB in Kandahar City - how prolific!

On a more serious note, I have been planning for a unit that hails from Ft. Campbell, Kentucky these past few months.  These poor guys are taking so many causalities that there is concern they won't be able to continue with their mission as a singular unit.  Just a few nights ago, the Taliban blew up a village in Kandahar City that they were passing through on a regular basis and killed and injured quite a large number of them.  These kinds of things are happening on a regular basis.  We meet and casually get to know many of these guys who end up being killed and injured - not the highlight of the day when that happens to say the least.  I have no idea how the US mission will change - if at all - in the near future, but to say I have strong feelings about the waste of life, resources and efforts would be putting it lightly.  I don't think leaving now or later really makes any difference as the end result will most likely be the same.  We won't be here long enough to affect the type of change that needs to happen for Afghanistan to reach a total and healthy independent and democratic state.  Maybe they just need parks, right?  Oh well, I will try to refocus my efforts in luring Quick Paws McGraw to my tent and leave the hard thinkin' to others.

I hope this internet connection situation keeps up.  Before I left I could never get enough bandwidth to post this blog.  Hope everyone had a great weekend and please enjoy an extra cocktail for me - very much missing those again.

Drink of the Night - Diet Coke for the day/ Hot Chai Tea for tonight!

The Dirt is Turning - Fall is Here!

Wow.  Sorry for such a long delay between posts.  I was actually home for an unexpected visit for 3 weeks and upon my return, promptly was brought to my knees by some super-bug-flu-cold.  Welcome back to Afghanistan! 

Since I've been gone, and then returned, I've noticed quite a few changes around this place.  The Taliban, for instance, apparently have a little bee on their bonnet lately.  They have been shelling the base on a pretty consistent and frequent basis which then results in us bombing the bejesus out of them all night.  Nothing too out of the ordinary but not much fun while thrashing around feverishly in my bed for days while the rocket sirens went off continuously all day and night - I didn't really even give a damn as I was that sick.  It's also now only reaching a high in the 80s-90s which means...fall is approaching!  The only noticeable difference, since there are no trees here, is that the sky is actually blue again as opposed to the continual beige it had been during the summer.   Change! ... is a-happenin' in the military personnel we are attached to - lots of new and shiny faces with no idea who these old grizzled geezers are in the planning tent.  The best part is that we are finally senior and the only people who actually know how to navigate the minefield of military planning and all it's associated bullshit.  It will be sad to watch the enthusiasm and eagerness slowly seep out of their young little faces ... draining the hopes and dreams of a productive first deployment from their little consciousnesseseses. This new batch is very green which means it will initially be much more frustrating for everyone else.  The worst part is that the team I worked with since being here is leaving and that was a group of some of the funniest young guys I have had the good fortune to encounter in some time.  Now that they are about to leave, I can let a little more of my own special brand of humor seep to the surface as a parting gift.  They have been very disappointed that I had not shared this unique and jaw dropping side of me much sooner, but they are young and I did not want to harm them.

Unfortunately, many things haven't changed - the primary one being that Karzai is still the proverbial poop stain in the American underpants that is Afghan policy.  What a corrupt, selfish and totally unaccountable government he oversees.  We still aren't allowed to have alcohol (thanks alot Petraeus) - although I did here of a German post in NW Afghanistan where they are allowed two beers a day.  Must. Get. There... And this is still a toxic and noxious place although not as bad when it's cooler because it makes a huge difference when the dirty air isn't plastered all over your sweaty skin.  So I'm no longer feeling like I'm wearing this place, rather just exiting within it at this point.  I believe the Afghan elections are in the next couple of days as well.  Thankfully, they have none of the televised campaign commercials that we are assaulted with at home - had the misfortune of having to experience those while on my visit and I can't say that I miss them much... I am terribly curious as to how Afghan candidates promote themselves but since I don't believe it's a process even close to diplomatic, I find I don't really care in the end.

So my trip home was excellent and exactly what I needed.  I am extremely fortunate with the family and friends I have in my life and none of them has a clue as to how much seeing each of them helped - and continues to help - me.  I returned in a very settled state of mind which I needed desperately and also with some great and very recent good-timey memories!  Now I'm back here and feel more like myself again.  4 more months on this contract and then if I sign up for another year - a prospect which is kind of hard to swallow at times - it will seem more voluntary somehow after having one already under my belt.  I still have some interesting job prospects in play but at this point understand that those agencies I am striving to become part of have nothing but time so I need to gather some patience.  In the meantime, I hope to convince one of these stray cats in our compound to become my companion and special human friend.  I even have a name picked out for my future mouser - Quick Paws McGraw - as you may have guessed by now, I favor titles and themes over actual names when it comes to pets.  I will have to work some Svengali-esque magic to convince an adolescent and feral kitty cat that this union makes sense - you all will be the first to know if I can actually make it happen! 

I am determined to enjoy my favorite things about the fall to the best of my ability from here - there will be no getting around experiencing an actual Oktoberfest, Pumpkin Festivals, homemade chili or beef and noodles, but I did join a Fantasy Football League which has so far been interesting - I can't see the games but rather only read about them after there are over.  I also have crappy internet so research is limited and the work computer blocks my FF site, but attempting to do it still makes me happy!!  We are trying to create an area in our compound where we can at least stand around a fire barrel like a bunch of bums or lounge in our camping chairs by firelight - we are all very excited about the fall and won't miss the 120 degree highs of the summer much at all.  It will be a Kentucky fall in my heart and mind even if it doesn't remotely resemble it here!  Hopefully the internet will continue to be forgiving and allow me to post more regularly.  Until then, Happy Yom Kippur, Jewbilee and the rest of you gentiles have a wonderful weekend!


Drink of the night:  Chai Tea Latte ... in a smoking jacket with one pinkie up

Half-way point.

Well, it's been many days since I've been able to post.  This was due to a combination of trips off the base and very poor internet access.  Made worse by the fact that I cannot even mention where and what I'm working on at this point because of security clearance issues, etc.  So, in sum, I'm doing quite a bit but can't say anything about it.  Other than a group suicide bomber attack on the base earlier this week, combined with a few hairy helicopter rides, there has not been much to report!  My next vacation is too far off to even entertain the thought of being excited about it, so I'm in a quandary over what to write.  I have hit the halfway point here according to the computer program, "Donut of Misery" that a co-worker sent to me.  You can plug important dates into the program and the "Donut" graph tells you how long you've been here and how much longer until you next anticipated date.  Both my end of contract and next vacation donuts are not in stages that offer much excitement - it's purgatory for me and I had no idea how dusty and hot purgatory could be.  It's actually starting to become quite humid as the rainy season approaches.  Any change to hot and dusty would be nice - maybe hot, rainy, muggy and muddy is on it's way.  The only reprieve from my own personal angst and boredom that usually accompanies my being in the middle of something is that some of my favorite fellow co-horts have recently returned from their vacations.  There are several of us now sharing in the post-vacation gloom, impatience and systemic shock from being back here after a nice relaxing break.  At least I'm in good company.

I spend much of my free-time filling out horrifically detailed on-line applications in an attempt to land one of a few coveted positions with some select Federal Agencies and/or the organizations they fund.  I am very interested in the democracy and governance programs underway over here and throughout the world, with crisis stabilization coming in as a tie for my attention.  The more experienced and tenured contractors over here have advised starting the job search at the 6 month point of your current contract.  I like what I'm doing, but there are far more interesting things to do over here that could lead to even more intriguing work in other countries.  Time will tell, but it's basically my second job.  It takes so long to apply to one of these postings in a normal setting, but then adding slow and sporadic internet connectivity makes it nearly a nightmare.  I am often dropped from my connection which then results in the loss of anything that wasn't saved so I continually fill out the same application repeatedly.  Very frustrating...  I just keep trying and will wait to see what the future holds.  I'm getting several nibbles but haven't progressed in any interview process far enough yet to even guess at an outcome.  I will say that my impression so far, based on the current employees I've met and the biographies of the area and country directors, is that I will have to compete with a very tough "pedigree" of individuals - there's no Harvard or MIT on my CV, nor is there an abundance of foreign languages - unless they count eubonics or hillbilly .  If I am able to gain access to one of these coveted positions - with no political or ambassadorial ambitions - then I will count myself lucky and will just check it off to tenacity and making-your-own-luck ... and being over 40 which creates an air of confidence I've earned and was missing 10 years ago.  We'll see, we'll see ... I'd be just as happy to be at home too - for a variety of totally different reasons!

So, I hope August is starting off well for all of you!  The NFL season is just around the corner and I am still trying to figure out how to enjoy it from here - that's a goal that is certainly worth the effort!  The Bengals signed T.O. and I'm not even around to enjoy the circus that is certain to ensue...  The fall without pumpkins, outdoor festivals, draft beer, changing leaves and football will be daunting for me - it's my favorite time of year.  I'm sure I will survive and will just have to live vicariously through the rest of you.  Until then!

Drink of the Night - hot Chai tea!

Two for the Show...

First week back to work from any vacation is less than stellar, but first the week back here has been a combination of environmental assault, total boredom and yearning for all things green!  Coming back wasn't all that bad barring the minor discomfort of finding myself outside of the wire and temporarily not able to get back in.  However, my lungs, eyes and nasal passages are fighting every minute of it!  It's been so bad here that the sun wasn't even visible for the last four days.  Simply nasty weather in a nasty place and I had become rather fond of moisture in the air during my two week reprieve.  I fear my ongoing daily confrontation with my Kleenex as it holds the horrors of Afghanistan!  Body fluids aside, I am really missing the freedom to roam and of course the beautiful beaches, but that was to be expected.  Other than that, I have been incredibly bored, impatient and restless all week as I get settled back into my routine.  Fortunately, as is typical, it's all picking up quickly and simultaneously of course.  I have had the same trip out cancelled all week due to weather and it's finally leaving tomorrow morning for a quick day trip - to be followed by a about a week long venture out after that - to a place that I hope has more to offer now than port-a-johns.  We'll see if my planning efforts have paid off, as the idea of a port-a-john in 115 degree heat doesn't seem too appealing - but they have an abundance of ice cream there!  I need to get out of here soon before I develop any significant apprehension about flying - I haven't been out of here (except for vacation) for weeks and it's been long enough to make me paranoid about flying being that it's become so "active" over here this summer.  I'll get over it.

Big news!  A very good friend finally had her twins last week - I still can't believe it!  When I left, she was barely showing so it's strange to think of her with two little infants now.  She and her significant other will be excellent parental units and I'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to them!  That's double the poo and spit up, but it couldn't happen to better people.  Can't wait to meet the little guys either!  It's a child army.  Babies... I missed the maternal chip when they were handing those out and find them kind of scary.  I prefer them old enough to tell me what they need or at least point and scream - I still do that now and its pretty effective.  I do enjoy being an Aunt but have to be very careful of not being too much of myself around the childrenz - I have developed a second language so that my family and friends still will allow my around their offspring.  "that's a bunch of shittake" "sweet baby goats"  "Fred and Ethel!" all originate from much more sinister and inappropriate terminology, but you do what you have to do - the sacrifices I make for those kids - it's a pain in my "hoo hah".

I hear it's extremely hot and muggy back in the states - like forearm sweaty muggy!  Nasty stuff, but I still might consider that a trade up from here.  Close though - it stinks when it's too hot to even enjoy being outside.  I miss outside, on the river, with friends and icy beverages!  Happy Birthday to Kim and Lisa who are in the midst of birthday season!  Enjoy the Haufbrau and have one for me!  This has been one of the most boring posts yet, but I promise more blood and guts next time!

Drink of the Night - Rootbeer!