Death by Green Beans

Finally, finally the Blogger site is no longer blocked by the internet here and I can resume my postings.  Much has happened since my last post including an excellent and much needed 3 week trip home with family and friends, and a shiny new job, right out of the box.

Lets see, the state of affairs here is dire and soul crushing.  This program is failing and could possibly be better managed and planned by feces throwing monkeys.  Our client, a division of USAID, could not organize themselves out of a wet paper bag with the current leadership here on the ground.  Apparently, this program is quite successful in other countries, but cannot be applied successfully considering the current circumstances in the Kandahar area/southern region.  So it feels like we are trying to implement other people's self-serving career building rather than actual functioning and impact inducing projects.  The Wino's answer to this dilemma - make like a baby and head out!  Especially before the stench of failure permeates my clothing and personal belongings.

All things considered, this blog represents my own personal experiences and perceptions.  Unlike others,  I don't consider a "success story" (that we're so fond of circulating in print) to consist of some governmental official managing to sit upright in a chair and continue to breath. Call me close to being burnt out, but the lack of any expectation of accountability on the part of our Afghan partners down here in the south is no longer within my ability to stand - or keep a straight face.  In all fairness, these programs are experiencing a level of success - sometimes significant - in other parts of the country, but just not here.  So I'm off to hitch my proverbial wagon to a new program beginning in the north where I am told the culture, level of education, attitudes and religious extremism are a totally different situation - as is the alarmingly different level of violence. 

As of mid-July, I will be working and living in Mazar-e-Sharif and really can't wait.  Several of the co-workers I currently have left (many jobs have been eliminated and many more have gone off to greener pastures) have worked in the northern region.  The stories are amazing and I feel like some little kid, eagerly leaning in and asking ... "tell me more Grandpa!"  I absolutely cannot relate to what I'm hearing about this part of Afghanistan and am anxious to get up there and experience it myself.  I hear it's very green, in the mountains, the people and attitudes are quite different and it was an area that was last to fall to the Taliban and the first to liberate from them.  My living situation will include residing in a villa in town which will be near other agency villas and down the road from the UN compound.  I've included some photos below from the villa where I stayed while in Kabul back in April - just in case curious minds want to know what I'm talking about.  The stories I've heard rival the "house party" atmosphere so common and fun in college - not all the time mind you, but not a rare occurrence either.  Our villa apparently has a small swimming pool and gardens (this seems unreal to me) and you have some ability of freedom of movement to walk to local shops and restaurants and see your own projects.  This Hillbilly is rather wary of wondering around too much as I don't trust anyone here or any situation - that is a direct result of living and working in the south, but also quite wise in my opinion. The job itself sounds incredibly cool and there is an aspect of women's engagement and youth building (stop laughing) built into it.  I think some well organized dodge ball teams can take care of the kid problem here :)  Primarily my focus is on developing governance systems, municipal services and related economic activities as well as other related programming.  Sounds like I will also be working with some amazing and experienced professionals once again too - something that made this current job fantastic.


The negatives - not many, but Mazar hosts the same UN compound that was just stormed by an angry mob in April and resulted in many UN workers being killed and beheaded - the details on that situation are too unpleasant and sad for me to repeat.  Also, it's an area that's considered quite secure so Karzai (someone who should be assassinated and is a total, useless POS) is transitioning security in the north and west over to Afghan forces.  That's resulted in many news stories of bombings and shootings up there as the Afghan forces are occasionally infiltrated by insurgents who then take the opportunity to kill local politicians, leaders and other Afghan and ISAF security forces.  My point of caution will be to pay extra close attention to where I am and what I'm doing since a large part of my job is working directly with these local leaders and politicians.  Simples!

From the roof of a villa in Kabul

an old Russian tank in front of villa

behind villa - Afghan neighborhood

Close up of burnt out tank

View of other villas - nice, eh?

another shot of the neighborhood behind - people jog on that hill

Sooooo, I'm out of here at the end of June, will enjoy a week of the beach and a swim up bar in Dubai while trying to ignore the fact that it's so hot and humid there right now it's like breathing though a hot, wet towel in a boiling sauna.  120 degrees and amazing humidity.  Who Cares!!! That's what the swim-up bar is for and why the good Lord invented white wine... and water.  Then I'm back to begin my last year of work in the Stinkastan!

I am hoping that the new digs are minus the rodent, fly and now scorpion infestation that I currently enjoy here while at our office compound.  I am impervious to freaking out over fat mice/or small rats, the flies still make me homicidal, but now the scorpions are out and ruining my foot loose and fancy free flip flop evening attire.  I hate it here.  How can I be the Hillbilly Wino without flip flops?  I'm already trying to do it without wine.  This evening at dinner, I was trying to enjoy my pedestrian meal and happened to look down as a fly committed suicide right into my green beans - kamikaze style - had I not seen it happen, I would have blissfully enjoyed the extra protein without being the wiser.  Then another fly crawled out from under my neighbors pie crust while she was eating it.  On top of it  all, it was recommended that I get "de-wormed" when I finally go home since most likely I'm the hostess with the mostess and don't even realize it.  All courtesy of eating and living here.  Seriously, what am I - a puppy?

So that pretty much sums up the state of the union for the Wino.  Trust me, I am totally aware of the seething sarcasm and negativity jumping from the computer screen.  I'm hoping that a change of scenery and new project will help with perspective and renewed vigor so that I can once again approach nation building with the enthusiasm it requires!  Otherwise I will be the governance and stabilization version of a sexually frustrated Nun.  Negative and angry - and I so hate to let myself get to that point or remain there too long.  This portion of the journey is coming to an end and hopefully the next chapter will feel like a new country and totally different in ways that I cannot imagine.

Hang tough comrades!  And, enjoy the summer :)

Drink of the night - Pakistani Vodka with a warm diet coke - flip flops optional.

Simples!

Sorry it's been so long since a post, but I needed to make sure I had something to write that was accurate for at least 24 hours before I posted.  Let's see... returned from an exhilarating vacation, barring a horrible cold/flu I caught during the last leg, and within 3 hours of arriving back to my office compound we had a huge meeting and the staff was cut by 25%.  I was certain I was to go, but after 3 hours of waiting (as we were called in 1 by 1) I was informed that not only was I staying, but they loved my work and were sending me to FOB Wilson to clean up the mess there.  If you recall, FOB Wilson was one of the bases I spent all last summer planning - just the mention of it made me tense.  So, that began a series of back and forth changes that lasted for 3 weeks - you're going, you're not going, we're developing a new position for you, you're going, no... and finally I was going for sure and here I am.  The reason for the cuts has to do with the funding we receive through USAID, who in return receives if from Congress and FY11 doesn't come through for a few months.  Our program is also going through an audit and that's not helping - basically, it's still somewhat up in the air, but we did get enough money to continue for a few more months in hopes of more coming in.  So that covers that - as you can imagine, it's been a tense time.

As for being back, I arrived just in time for fly and rodent season.  Mice and flies all over our dining facility, then rats in the food, topped by me opening the fridge to grab a plate and there being a large mouse on top of it - by that time I didn't even flinch.  This was making my Menno Paws situation last spring look like something a baby could handle.  They were finally able to get that somewhat under control but it took days for me to get my gag reflex back in check - was scared to eat or touch anything.  To make things better, we enjoyed a pretty frequent indulgence of vodka around the fire pit during the evenings - usually Thursday nights - which was very entertaining until we all ran out of cash for the $80 per bottle price tag on rot-gut.  Possibly, I'm in the wrong industry over here... Carlos, the gay Philippine assistant site manager of our office compound was on speed dial and would sashay into our compound with our order and a lot of sass - all in very broken English - imagine a flaming queen, waltzing into our camp, palms out, runway walk, cig in one hand saying things like "oh, you bad boys, bad lay-dies Hee Hee - who be bad for Carlos?" - I can't even describe how surreal that situation was, but I hope I never forget it.   Lord.

 

 So now I'm out at FOB Wilson - middle of a combat zone, during combat season.  I'd been here last year so I knew what to expect.  Cannon guns going off at night, always on notice for attack.  I live on the other side of the wall from the District Governor's compound which keeps coming up as a prime target for attack.  I have to work over there frequently.  There are a ton of Afghan's milling about and the security is run by the ANP - not a unit I have any confidence in.  I do have private security and am escorted everywhere - including the shower, but I just put an end to that during the day.  This is a joint camp with the ANA so Afghans in uniform are all over the place here and I can't say I like it, but will adapt.  They are weird around women - mostly nice, but plenty of bullshit and I'm not putting up with it so we'll see how that goes.  My living container is fabulous, but there are nothing but port-o-johns and anyone can use them - including the Afghans - who basically stand on the seats and crap all over everything.  It's disgusting, but they clean them several times a day.  Blech!

I will be working closely with the District Governor and the projects work much differently than they do in Kandahar City.  For one thing, it's easier for the Taliban to intimidate people.  They cut the ears off of several workers on one of our projects two weeks ago and it's been hard to get the locals to show up for work - as you can imagine.  We award contracts for projects under the stipulation that locals are hired

my trailer - complete with plastic lounge!

so you can imagine the difficulty and  understand why they don't want to come to work all the time.  There are some really cool projects going on here as well - women's empowerment, small schools, I have a radio station and DJs on my staff, agriculture projects.  I am looking forward to these and hope our funding continues so that they can move ahead.

Today I went on my first foot patrol here outside of this base.  It was about a mile and a half out to the last site and we had a military escort, but damn I was on my toes - it was rather scary to do this in this area.  That was until we hit my first construction site and I went postal about the progress and the answers from the contractor.  He obviously is making very slow progress, there were kids working on the site( a huge no-no) and then we got into an argument about the depth of the well, etc.  Nightmare... and this is to be completed in 1 month.  I have to do all of this though an interpreter with grizzled military guys standing there listening.  To make matters worse, it's next to a cemetery so people show up all day cursing the contractor's first born, the DG's wife and suggesting sex with donkies.  When I am done with this, I will be able to handle ANY general contracting work in the States!  But this is why they sent me here - isn't it weird when people see something in you that you don't quite see in yourself and you are personally clueless about their faith in you to carry out the assignments? - this goes through my head every day.  I honestly never think I know exactly what I'm doing, but somehow I do it - it's like a big series of lucky breaks.   I digress...

Soooo, we get all the way out to the last site and notice the mountains are starting to disappear.  Not a good sign.  What it means is that a huge dust storm is coming, we're a mile or so out of base and now medivac cannot come get us if anything bad happens - the helicopters cannot fly, and the military won't be able to see us.  This storm was tremendous!  Wind so strong you had to struggle to stand, choking on dust and can't see a thing because it's sandpapering your eyes, can't communicate well because you can barely speak and if you could, nobody could hear you because of the wind.  We walked back through this to base and let me tell you ... my mouth was like a sandbox, complete with the little treats the neighborhood cats used to leave in ours overnight.  My face was on fire (I had used a mud mask 4 days prior that I ended up being allergic to, so I had a raw face before the day started), I could barely open my eyes and I could feel piles of fine dirt collected in places that were covered with clothing.  I looked like an old, brown woman!  There was an amazing brown run-off when I finally got to the shower hours later - the storm didn't let up for a loonnggg time.  Happy Sunday!

one of my project sites - still sunny!

Here are some pictures from the day...

inside the site of "unhappy progress"

one of the many burial sites

headed to the Agriculture Center as the sky darkens

progress - green things!

drainage ditch

...and the storm starts coming in

...and it keeps coming - notice you can see nada

and our patrol heading back to base - last pic I took before a complete dust-out.  You can see how strong the wind was if you look at the trees.

Well, that was my day.  I am still finding dirt in weird places - both on me and in my room.  Managed to run from the shower before my wet hair turned to mud - success!  I'd also like to wish Mike K. a Happy Birthday which comes at the end of this month - just a few more days old man - I still remember your 40th party with fondness.  I get to spend another one of mine here next month but am going HOME for a visit at the end of April and I cannot wait for that to happen. Hope everyone is doing well, enjoying the gas pricing and all that price gouging like that entails!  In the words of the Captain who led our patrol today - "go get cleaned up, dusted up and get your shit straight!"  It's the season of Easter!

Drink of the evening - Chrystal Lite in a Styrofoam cup!

Dooby-Dubai

parrot

I lounge here writing this entry surrounded by Kleenex - both used and unused - in my hotel room in Dubai.  Fly out tomorrow for Afghanistan and am trying to get ahead of the nasty cold I caught while on a wonderful vacation.  I lost a complete day in Paris to it, but recovered enough to have a near perfect day the next, and final day, on my trip.  Spent a wonderful day strolling through St. Germain in the Latin Quarter and the Marais District.   Enjoyed some cafes, the streets, people and had the best French Onion Soup of my Hillbilly life. There was the most interesting little cafe that we enjoyed.  It was full of regulars - in particular, an elegant, raspy-voiced elderly Parisian woman who basically sat there and smoked, drank and visited with everyone who walked by - including a parrot.  She must do that every day and was obviously well liked by all - although I could not understand a thing she said, being that it was in French, you could tell it was funny, most likely off-color and with a bit of sass because of the laughter and reactions her remarks evoked. Stumbled into the Jewish District and had some delicious and authentic treats there - totally enthralled by this district especially considering the history and occupation of Paris during WWII - I am a history crazy.  I love when you find someplace incredibly cool and weren't even looking for it.

The Parisian Hillbilly

There's something about Paris that I really love but can't quite pinpoint.  Maybe the feel of the city and the people.  I could live there and now understand why people rave about it.  Also, although we saw quite a few unfortunates, there was no pan-handling and the kiddies were even fun, cute and well-behaved.  Imagine that! The transit system was easy to navigate and thankfully our trip to the airport with too much luggage and many subway steps went smoothly thanks to it being very early in the morning.  The Wino even managed to get stuck in the turnstile - me stuck in the space between the turnstile and electronic door, with my bag on the other side of the turnstile.  Had to ask to be released and we laughed our behinds off about it.  The day earlier, we saw someone fall up the metro steps and discussed how embarrassing that could be - not 15 minutes later, as we were reading the subway map while on the people mover, it ended without us realizing and we almost toppled to the ground - stay classy San Diego (the Ron Jeremy tag-line from Anchorman for those of you not familiar)!

The following pics don't even need captions because they are so recognizable - except for this shop.  We take a lot of pictures of markets and food because they look more delicious and well-preserved than we do - obviously.  Speaking of which, I have this good friend who is a chef at one of my favorite places in the world back at home - he has taken up making butter sculptures of famous places and events ...

Protests - not in Paris, but made of but-tah!

I love these and they crack me the hell up.

the back of the Notre Dame

The lovely Sienne

Now I'm back in Dubai, nursing a phenomenal cold and once again listening to the Muslim prayer chants via loudspeaker throughout the city.  I always seem to pick up something pretty nasty while traveling - didn't in Thailand and I think that was because I allowed myself to relax beach side for 2 weeks.  I go on these trips, already exhausted from how I live in Afghanistan, and create an endurance sport out of my travels.  I simply cannot help it - I crave getting out of there so much combined with wanting to see as much as I can and it results in me running myself into the ground.  Next trip is home and other than a jaunt to Vegas for a few days, the Wino plans on pool-side action, golf, grilling out and hanging casually with family and friends.  That should stave off any cooties. 

The airport here was crazy last night - absolutely packed with people - many of whom were fleeing the conflicts occurring throughout northern Africa and the Middle East.  Mayhem and little use of deodorant made for a slightly unpleasant end to an already long day of travels - all with an incredible head cold/sinus infection.  Then, when you left the airport to grab a taxi, there were so many people with signs, etc. in the greeting area that I felt like a Bollywood star!  Every time I watch the intensity of what's happening over here I can't help but wonder if I will be working in one of those countries next.  I personally think a governance and stabilization jaunt in Libya would be fascinating considering that its potentially a successful revolt against 40 years of oppression by a nut job.  Talk about amazing - I hope they are successful.  To be part of setting up a democracy there - where the people instigated it - would be the experience of a lifetime as compared to trying to do undertake the same goals in a country where they don't really give a camel's ass and it's all about their own personal gain .... hmmm, where could that be? Plus, right now we get to enjoy the added bonus of the rambling nonsensical  speeches given by Gaddafi (I will spell his name differently each time I use it) - how do you rally supporters you've hired to kill your own people for the purpose of you not losing your personal power and wealth - he can't even come up with any solid reasons his countrymen should continue to support him - what a goofball!  Even his big-breasted Ukrainian nurse has quit his ass and once that happens, you know the fat lady is singing.

Anycoup, back to the 'stan tomorrow morning where it sounds like it's gotten quite crazy during my absence - if the security emails I've seen via work correspondence is any indication.  I can start another 3 month countdown until my next break from there - really passes the time.  I will like to close with a huge birthday wish to one of the Hillbilly Wino's favorite men in the universe - Happy Birthday Steve G. and enjoy your weekend of fun with my other favorite man, Mike K.  After all these years, you're both still the prettiest girls on the block!

Drink of the day - hopefully some red wine to soothe my sinus passages!

Eurotrash!

My goooodddnneessss... I am loving my trip through some fabulous countries of Europe!  My traveling companion and I have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves thus far and I dare say that I'm hitting the point where I can barely cram another delicious morsel of culinary delight into my cake-hole.  In addition to a smattering of fun little knick-knacks to commemorate our trip, I am racking up an international collection of mosquito bites - Dubia, Italy and Spain have so far contributed to a small amount of blood loss and the resulting itchy bump.  In the words of one of my favorite television characters - Patsy, from Absolutely Fabulous - "the last mosquito that bit me had to check into Betty Ford."  Apparently they have a fondness for wine.


Let's see - Italy!  Although I've been there 3 times previously, I still can't get enough of Rome, Florence and Venice.  They are familiar, I love them and now I make a pretty decent guide.  The Jewbilee and I had a fantastic time in all three.  We physically walked ourselves into a near state of unconsciousness in all three cities.  In Rome, we actually wandered through the Prime Minister protests and were totally oblivious to what was going on around us - we thought it was not only convenient, but also a grand idea that they shut down the main thoroughfare around the Colosseum area so that one could gawk at the sites without a concern for traffic.  We realized later, while watching BBC, that we had been walking through the protest that day.  If nothing's exploding, then I'm not paying much attention - thank you Afghanistan.  Florence - rainy, but spectacular - shopping, excellent cafes and a swanky club/lounge right next to our hotel. Venice - we were upgraded to a palatial suite in our hotel - the thing had to be 2000 square feet with 20 foot high ceilings and a giant sitting room that could have housed quite the shindig comfortably.  It was amazing.  Beautiful and relaxing city.  Finally journeyed out to the St. Michel Island cemetery which was really beautiful - if you're going to be dead, this is a pretty good contender.  Italy was a hit! 


We are currently in Spain and are in love with Barcelona.  It took me a few hours to warm up to Barcelona because I was so irritated by how lacking the airport was in giving any meaningful direction once you departed your flight.  We actually walked outside to the arrivals and had to beg our way back in to retrieve our baggage - weird and in my opinion, dumb as hell - how about a sign with a bag and an arrow pointing in the correct direction?  However, after a few transportation snags we finally arrived at our hotel in this beautiful city!  We're staying on Las Ramblas - while my interest in people performing "human statues" waned a while back, we are also in the middle of some amazing neighborhoods and have largely avoided the main tourist street where we are located.  The main tourist street is fun to watch from the balcony and is swimming with people.  We've eaten tons of tapas, lived my dream of finally seeing and touching some Gaudi buildings and discovered the coolest little town/resort area right outside of Barcelona - Sitges!  We spent a day there - not only does it have it's own micro-climate that creates sunny days almost every day of the year, is on a beautiful beach and is stunning, but it also had it's origins as an artist community, has it's own famous film festival every year (horror films) which culminates in a town-wide zombie walk ... and it's a gay mecca! Where the hell have I been?  Zombies are one of my favorite creepy things! This freak show has my name all over it - we loved it there!

Sitges!

waterfront area

Enjoying a beverage on the beach

A hillbilly and some sand

Sitges waterfront

still no zombie sightings

Anyzombie, back to Barcelona - interesting to note that there are a ton of beggars here and some of the worst street musicians I have ever heard.  Any city will have its homeless, but the climate here must lend itself to drawing many to this area - kind of like California.  Every place we've been, there have also been tons of the "gypsie beggars" - no matter what country, they are all dressed the same and many take their kids out too.  Interestingly, B and I were winding through a back alley and walked up on a gypsie beggar smoke break and guess what? - They could all stand up straight, walk, etc. - if you are familiar with this group, they are usually all bent over, wailing and shaking their cups or dragging themselves on the street.  It's just another job, and they take smoke breaks too - loved seeing the smoke break though and I wish I could have been able to overhear the "water cooler" chit chat - totally curious what little diddies that would entail.  B and I were wrapping up the day recently at a wonderful sidewalk cafe only to be ear-assaulted by yet another bit of street "talent" - I'd rather listen to two cats mating.  Babies started screaming ... and these guys also seem to be somewhat deaf - they literally scream-sing in your face.  I felt like I needed a shower and owed my ears a good long vacation after a heartfelt apology.  We got a good laugh out of it at least.  I think it's a more acceptable way (in their minds) of begging, so next time you're short on cigarette money, break out the pots and pans and take that show on the road!

A key observations so far - more like a public service announcement ... there's really no need to travel with your babies and toddlers - please just wait until they get old enough to both remember and enjoy the trip.  No offense to the many babies and toddlers I love dearly (and their parents :\ ), but for shit's sake - why do I have to experience your kid's temper tantrum, screaming and kicking my seat on the plane, screaming and whining next to me at cafes and inside restaurants and your strollers taking out my Achilles tendon on the street?  I saw a kid with his finger crammed into his nose up to his second knuckle while I was trying to enjoy a little appetizer and beverage.  Not that I mind having them around just in case I break something or knock it off a shelf - I just flash that understanding "believe me, I know what you mean" look at the sales clerk and nod in the direction of the child army, when in fact it was me who had knocked over the display items!

Point is ... little kids belong at kid things and not in nice restaurants, cafes, bars, museums, etc.  I'm not at Disney Land flashing my boobs, cursing and ashing on their dear little heads - I'm all for creating a leisure age limit.  Just because you may see your own kids as wonderful doesn't mean everyone else does.  I sound horrible, but have been amazed - or at least am more familiar with how I was raised - my parents would have NEVER stood on a street "negotiating" with a pouting, spoiled 5 year old - you'd be struggling to touch a toe on the ground as you were yanked by the arm back to the car, etc.  However, some of the little booger factories were really cute and seemed to be enjoying themselves tremendously - we saw a ton of twins for some reason too.  I must admit that adjusting to being in the world after living where and how I do is hard.  It's almost a stimulation overload - I crave it, but can't handle it very well and it takes me quite a while to adjust.  Good thing I'm planning on going to Vegas just a few days after I come home this summer - that shouldn't be stimulating at all!  I just hope that there will be a ton of kids there - especially at the pool :)

inside the Colosseum

Jewish ghetto area in Rome

streets closed for protests but look - no traffic!

Arno river in Florence

I want big doors

one of the ceilings of our room in Venice

the bedroom

... and seating area

Casa Batllo in Barcelona

Familia Sagrada church

Gaudi!  this building reminds me of vertebrae

inside of Casa Batllo

roof

waterfront of Barcelona

More fun is still to be had and I will try to post another blog before I return to Afghanistan.  We really have been tooling around these cities until we drop, so there's not been much time for the ol' blog, but I'm s-l-o-w-i-n-g down somewhat and we're both fighting a combo of exhaustion and illness - but I love it!  This has been an excellent trip in cities full of beautiful things, interesting people and tons of energy in the air.

Drink of the evening - a Cava Sangria!