The Hills Are Alive with ....

They are actually showing The Sound of Music on the military TV station tonight - is that a coincidence or what - and a day and a half before I leave for my imagined Afghani version!  We had a nice little social mixer this afternoon so that everyone from the new change of command, the contractors and the Air Guard could actually meet one another.  It was nice enough and afterwards I ran to the DFAC (dinning facility) to pinch some milk and fruit for my new fridge and related Special K collection - but it was Taco Night so I got caught up in the madness ...Then I fled with milk and fruit.  Now I'm laying here watching a disaster movie while listening to the Sound of Music movie coming from my hut-mate's room - complete with a stomach ache from the tacos.  If I look at my disaster movie closely enough I can make the dialogue from the Sound of Music fit the action and effects of 2012 (horrible movie but great special effects).  From now on, the thought of California falling into the sea will be accompanied by "Edelweiss" playing in my head.   I may be on to something ....

Tonight also marked my first truly amazing taste of what the "120 Days of Wind" will be like - taste being the operative word.  I literally turned a corner in to a wall of dirt blowing at around 25 - 30 mph gusts.  I had been in my hut when it kicked in, so I wasn't aware that it was so bad out there.  You could not see 20 feet and the dust and sand infiltrated every inch of you - it was like taking a big bite of a sand-wich ... hee hee.  No disrespect to the Earl of Sandwich.  I see now that I will be spitting like some ya-hoo but that's an immediate reaction - plus the burning in your eyes and throat.  There was a plethora of information I would like to file under the category of "too much" being shared tonight concerning the wind.  Apparently, the wind contains a lot of unsavory things - including poo, ecoli, etc. - because of the unsanitary conditions of the outside areas surrounding the base.  Animal poo, people poo, Winnie the ... Poo.  It makes people pretty ill here too.  How exciting is that?  NowI can try erasing that image from my brain while I'm living in the windy season for the next few months - how did Stephen King ever miss out on this topic?  Just like the game with fortune cookies you play by adding "in bed" after reading each message, I will just add "in poo" after describing anything I do here for the next 4 months. I need to just get over it because there's no escaping the fecal wind!

I was also informed tonight that the base I am going to for the next two weeks has NOTHING but the Polish there - should be interesting planning that base as I hear they also have no intention of paying for anything.  So I guess they will all be in agreement with whatever comes up ... air tubs and private rooms with private baths - SURE!   I did hear there was no internet there either, but I won't know until I get there - so I may be off-line for a week or so.  One of our construction managers is living up there already - I will have to re-read his messages to me more closely - maybe he wasn't kidding around when he asked me to bring him a pillow (although he requested I break it in for him to which I replied I had already arranged for a large, unbathed Turkish guy to do so).  This guy's a trip though and should be fun to work with - he's full of crap, but in the best way - I get a kick out of him!  I'm certain the Polish women there Do Not walk to the showers topless - no matter what he says.

Drink of the night - cold, stolen milk - in a box, no less!

The Domestication of my Afghani "Condo"

Let me say, I've had the best day yet since I've been here - it, by no coincidence, coincided with my day off.  I was able to sleep in a bit, work out at the gym, do some shopping and then walk to work for a few hours of obligatory duties.  I finally purchased a mini-frig and little flat screen TV/DVD player for my hovel - getting it all here was a trip, but I relied on the kindness of strangers and some young guys basically hooked an old lady up and helped me lug it back to a truck.  I moved some things around and managed to get everything set with all of my fingers intact.  When you take on a project in a small and crowded 7 x 10 foot space, without the proper tools, things can get a bit hairy - fingers can get smashed, backs strained, toes crushed.  Now I can successfully hoard fruit and cereal and have cold beverages in my room.  If I had a few black light posters, strawberry incense from Spencers Gifts and an ELO album going I'd totally be reliving 7th grade in my basement room.  There's something about that image that brings me back to wonderful times - in particular the era prior to me reading too many scary books and sleeping the better part of a year on my sister's bedroom floor because I'd terrified the bejesus out of myself.

So, I basically spent my day as a hobbled Martha Stewart - home projects without the proper tools but everything works - it just needs to be tightened, etc.  I don't have a screwdriver but I DO have a wine key - where's the logic in that?  I may actually need a screwdriver, but I made sure to bring a contraption associated with an activity strictly verboten here.  They wine key is sitting next to the butane lighter that I also thought was a good idea to bring - side by side they are, like the memories of old loves ... they make you smile, but that's about all you are allowed to do with them.

I'm going to make myself some tea - I now have a pot that heats water (I wonder how many things I can actually plug into what originated as one outlet) - then will try to shake some of the dust off of me (it's a Pig Pen effect when you come in from outside) and settle in for an evening of movies.  Yes Folks - movies again by myself!  It doesn't get much better than that - I'm hoping I don't end up making human skin sombreros or something weird like that after I go absolutely insane from isolation.  It is weird, you are around a ton of people but still very isolated most of the time just the same - and, if not at work, you have absolutely no desire to be around or engaged with anyone.  Once you leave the office your social chip is turned off.  Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your Friday and the weekend to come.

Drink of the night: Chai Tea, made in my room, minus the burned fingers and F-bombs from caring hot water back from the mess hall - this is now civilized!  Carry on!

Eve of Day Off - Take 2

Alrighty - last week when I was so excited for my day off I ended up only enjoying about 2 hours of it and then being deathly ill for a few days.  So this week I will be cautiously optimistic and hope for the best.  I am drinking a non-alcoholic Becks beer which quite honestly isn't that delightful and tastes like High School - those were the days of Little Kings and Mickey's Big Mouths - neither of which were any good, but it sure was a hell of a great time.  It's also a bit like trying to enjoy turkey bacon - it looks  like something I like and kind of tastes like it, but you are basically headed for heartache and disappointment.  I still don't believe that anyone seriously enjoys turkey bacon or in particular, turkey pepperoni - it's simply just not the real deal ... much like this near beer.

On our way to making the tee times for minefield golf with the detection and detonation guys, a co-worker and I stopped for some quick shopping.  I loaded up on these DVDs they sell over here for $2-3 - some are copies of screening DVDs sent to critics and reviewers, and some are simply shot in the movie theater - for some reason this whole situation cracks me up - I'm watching these one my laptop anyway so the quality doesn't really matter.  When I finally get home I will most likely be blinded by actual HD programming and noticing that so-and-so actually has eyebrows and other facial features.  I will definitely send my burgeoning collection home for all of you to enjoy.  I am forgetting that people on the screen don't actually stand up in front of the screen or eat popcorn during normal DVD viewing enjoyment - this experience goes hand in hand with the fact that the military TV channel programming doesn't seem to have correctly synced the audio with the visual - the effect is similar to watching those old Godzilla movies on Saturday afternoons - the lips move, but the words don't match.  So basically every form of viewing entertainment is a bit "third world". On top of all of this - I am for some reason forgetting how to spell.

A friend here made the mistake of showing me a pocket watch he bought from one of the Afghani janitorial workers in our office - I absolutely MUST have one.  It's a commemorative Chairman Mao watch and when you open it up, Mao's arm ticks back and forth.  If you know me at all, you know I am mesmerized by Asian dictators - even naming my beloved cat, Chairman Meow - seconded only by the evil Pol Pot (which doesn't make for a good pet's name, but is great for referencing the resident office or neighborhood a-hole).  Yesterday the same janitor had attempted to sell me a fake Rolex while I was in the bathroom - they are unisex - I walked in and passed this poor man dealing with a toilet bowl full of trouble.  He had blue plastic gloves on and he stops in the middle of what had to be an absolutely revolting task to take the same blue gloved hands and remove a literal arsenal of Rolex knock-offs from his pockets.  Don't worry, NONE of you will be getting any of these poo poo watches in the mail as gifts.  I kindly declined only to later find out about the Mao pocket watches - so I had to chase the same guy down today to put in a request - he doesn't really speak English, so I wonder what he'll end up bringing me.  And yes, I will have an industrial supply of Purell antibacterial gel on hand just in case.  Oh yea, I do actually accomplish work during the day and don't just shop while in the bathroom and make dates to drive balls into minefields with the "Hurt Locker" team - it's just not that interesting yet because my trip out to my first site keeps being postponed so my actual work hasn't really kicked in -- I'm basically just helping out on maps and some Power Point presentations right now until I leave.

I am off to enjoy what I refer to as my "Franken-films" - those messed up, monstrous DVDs I am loving so much.

Drink of the night - non-alchy Becks with a splash of attitude!

Let go of my Ego ...

Well I had an OK day, but it was definitely a bad day to be Corey Haim.  Do we even have any 80's icons left who rose to fame and then pissed it all away when their egos ran amok - only to lose it all in the downward spiral of drug abuse and die in their own sick???  I just heard that one of the Corey's passed away while I was grabbing dinner.   Sad, but not shocking - interesting too as I have spent a day observing the jostling egos that abound in my work environment and wonder what some of these guys would do if they lost their biggest fan - themselves.  Hopefully not take the Corey Haim route - didn't that guy try to sell his tooth on the internet a while back for rent money?  I should be more sympathetic but I'm too tired to make the effort.

Anyfullofshit, I have been secretly calling "bullshit" to most of the random conversations I have been privy to today.  Maybe the planets are misaligned or everyone was in a particularly insecure mood, but there are a couple of guys I work with who I sincerely think would take credit for inventing the question mark if that somehow proved them to be the ultimate authority on all things relevant.  They aren't bad fellows, but I do subscribe to the notion that if you have to tell someone you're great, then you're probably not-so-much.  I think some of it originates from a "wannabe"  mentality - we work with military uniforms and high ranking officers every day - too many guys with guns, uniforms and clearly defined rank around too many guys with no guns, no uniforms and a false sense of authority - this could be an anthropological dissertation for anyone willing to take it on - just remember to bring your BS waders 'cause it's getting deep.  The reality is actually quite sad for a couple of these guys as we merely advise and are not the decision makers - the guys with the rank and the guns get to do that - they also get to have the biggest egos too - this is really going to get interesting ...  Thankfully it's only a couple of people from the overall team - everyone else is very laid back, knowledgeable and quietly confident in their ability to contribute. But as we all know, it's those insecure ones who make the rest go crazy.

I am very much ready for my day off on Friday - it begins with a 9am "voluntary" get together so that we can all pitch in on a construction project that directly benefits us.  After that it's looking like some Texas Hold 'em in the sun and then the driving of golf balls into the minefields - I cannot wait for that and I don't think it will be drastically different than some of the courses I regularly play at home!  More things should potentially explode when one plays golf - can you imagine how much more exciting watching it on TV would be?  I hope it regenerates my energy level as I am dragging and my blog is reflecting that fact - it's rather dull and boring the last few days and for that I apologize.  I just need to work out a better schedule for myself -  one that gives me more than one and a half hours of free time every day ... I also think I'm a little homesick and missing my old routine ...

Drink of the night - an iced tea packet in my room temp. bottle of water - no wonder I'm a wee bit grumpy!

Beware of Fun and Free Accessories to Add to your Blog ...

Good Evening!  Sorry about the little snafu with the blog yesterday - hope nobody got any viruses, but I warned you not to sit on the seat...  I added a fun little extra that was apparently not what it appeared to be. It's gone now and I hope there are no lasting repercussions.

I am still in BAF as my little jaunt to Von Trapp land was moved back until next week - this apparently happens a lot so I am adjusting to never really having a plan.  Instead I listened while the construction managers and electricians regaled me with tales of exploding people in the minefields right outside the wire.  Apparently this happens several times a week - people, goats, etc.   The Afghanis actually dig up the mines to resell and this little business endeavor often doesn't work out in their favor.  This base is large in land mass, but we are pretty concentrated as to where we live and work because of the mines and air field.  You can look across the wire (I live right on it) and see a little village right there - the entire area surrounding the base and countryside is loaded with mines so these people are living in that.  Most of them have cleared paths that are relatively safe and the kids are often too light to set them off.   It's just surreal.   This wire situation ... there isn't nearly enough of a barrier between where many of us live and the wire - I am working on that as it appears quite a few of us live within a blast zone .... ahhh that's  comforting.

On to the food ... you are either going to gain or lose 20lbs here.   If you originate from a situation where overcooked and over-steamed food is a step up, then good for you.  This will be delicious - add 20lbs.  If you live with a Chef (like me), and aren't that bad at composing a nice healthy dish for yourself then bad for you - you lose at least 10lbs - add the scent of body odor from the largely third world foreign nationals serving you the food and there's another 5lbs gone.  Finally, with the absence of alcohol and all the walking you should be down to your old chiseled self in no time.  They also post the  calorie and fat amounts for all the food they serve.  I have been doing pretty well on chicken, fresh veggies and salad for lunch and dinner and then eggs, yogurt and fruit for breakfast - but I'm telling you that an entire year of this will take some creativity on my part.  I'm just grateful I can eat fresh food, but it's not anything to write home about - blog maybe, but not write home.  I think the biggest issue is not eating out of boredom and avoiding all the junk food and sweets.  Not too hard at this point.  Plus, my sense of smell is returning as my cold disappears and there are very few aromas around here that are appetizing.  I sound so spoiled.

I'm getting ready to prepare another hot tea for the evening.  Until my coffee/tea Pod arrives, I have been walking back scalding hot water, in a paper cup, in the dark, over rocks, about 250 yards to my hut - burning myself and cursing the entire way.  When I get back here, I have about half of the water left for a little Chai tea before bed - and sore, red fingers from the water burns.  This my dear friends, is how the "drink of the night" goes down for me most evenings.

Drink for this evening - hot chai tea and a bottled water ... missing that wine (whine)

Ode to my foot

Not much going on today compared to Jingle Truck Sunday.  While it was beautiful outside, one didn't dare open one's mouth to comment on the weather unless swallowing a grit sandwich is "one's" idea of fun.  The winds are starting to pick up around here - just in time for me to fly off to my Polish run mountain retreat FOB in a few days for the next couple of weeks.  I am imagining it's akin to the setting from The Sound of Music ... only with more guns and less nuns, but still the feeling of a terrible enemy afoot.  I am excited to check out the experimental farm there too - and any blonde, singing children that might be hanging around - singing.  I hear the Poles can be r-u-d-e too, so I can't wait for that - those eastern european countries just need to lighten the hell up - am I right?  Maybe my Quazimoto-ish limp will go away while I'm there too - I need a chance for my boots to break in and blisters to heal - a chance that doesn't include 3 to 4 mile walks every day - I need "Ssthanctuwary"(I hope you all saw the movie.)

Lets discuss the decor around her for a moment.  The color motif here is largely beige with a complimentary stone or sand-hued accessory to accent the beige.  Any color you do wear ends up being beige because of all the dust and sand. It's unfortunate because beige really bores me - both wearing it and seeing it - it's as exciting as pocket lint (which is beige). There's really nothing here to keep the sand and dust in place - even though it will get to the low 100s in a few weeks, this really isn't desert like Kandahar - it's just been ruined.  They are in dire need of some landscaping but I hear the Soviets literally salted the earth when they left so nothing grows here now - those nasty Ruskies!  If I can get some seeds I am so growing something here.  Thankfully there are mountains all around - they keep you looking up and not focused on how draconian the setting is here.  I mean, we are living in plywood huts and metal containers - they don't have to be that ugly - I'm gonna be gettin' on that issue like a duck on a Junebug .... as God is my Waitress...

I also wonder what kind of hazardous dump I am living in - it was/is all mined, salted, dumped on and I'm sure there are some unseemly surprises buried all around here.  You get the distinct feeling - especially by the burn pits - that none of this would cut the mustard in the US.  And I quit smoking before coming here - I have a feeling that was a dubious exercise in health consciousness but I'm so glad not to be smoking here - one more lung irritant would not be good.  I am destined to return sounding like Carol Channing after inhaling all of this dirt.  And can constantly having to smell "poo" hurt you?  I am just revolted by most of these latrines and feel they are damaging me emotionally - I may never be able to go camping again after this.

I'm rambling, but before I close - no Oscar for Meryl??  She was Julia Child ... not that ol' Sandy Bullock didn't do an OK job, but it was no Oscar performance.  Did I tell you all how much Mike A. loves Sandra Bullock?  - he loves her - a lot.  Oddly, the part I usually sleep through in the states (the best part), I watched during breakfast here this morning.  Strange.  Eggs and the Oscars.

Drink of the night:   Hot Chai tea that I brought from home -

Brought to you by "Jingle Truck"

Heyyy!  Forget those fat-rimmed, rotating hub, low riding late model Lexus' - this is how they roll in Afghanistan - the "Jingle Truck".  I am absolutely mesmerized by these - much like a kitten confronted with movement, my head snaps towards these whenever they pass - most of them jingle too which makes them even harder to resist.  They take these delivery trucks and ... Make. Them. Fabulous.  These would make Liberace look pedestrian.  I was behind a whole caravan of these today and had to share.  This one even has a middle eastern motif cut into the metal bracketing. Caliente!!

Other than the Jingle Trucks, I enjoyed a ride out to the eastern side of BAF - I posted more pics on Facebook, but there's a ton of old crumbly adobe housing and then some mud structures that are actually inhabited.  What really freaks me out is seeing kids and people with herds of livestock wandering around active mine fields.  There is also an exploded menagerie of Soviet and US military equipment, the prison, the burn pits (nasty) and this little reminder of why not to wander outside of the wire unsupervised ....

This did shock me a little as I'm sure it didn't drive itself out there and people were probably seriously hurt.  It must be recent too as there was no water damage to the interior.  The shot I couldn't get was of the huge cargo plane that crashed the other day. It's landing gear didn't come all the way down and it rode in on a wing and tore the engine off.  It's at the end of the runway like some huge post-apocolyptic monolith.  Kooky.

Anycreepy, I am feeling much better and had a full day of work.  Tomorrow is the changing of command of the BAF - we all have to attend the ceremony - should be interesting and it's on my end of town so I don't have to get up so early to walk to work just to turn around and walk back.  Ahhh, the hum of the jet engines is lulling me to sleep, so I must go now and get some shut-eye.

Drink of the evening - Liquid Nyquil - hmmmm