A picture speaks a thousand words - just not always the right ones!

Today I'm devoting a portion of this blog to the glory of the photograph - and my new effort in avoiding them!  When you're someplace like this, where everyone is away from home, the photograph is not necessarily your friend.  Of course your own photos may bring you a level of comfort, make you smile or even laugh out loud - what I'm talking about today - in particular - are other people's photos and why I should just shut my mouth and NEVER comment on them.  I rarely offer to show anyone my personal photos because like babies, there is really only beauty in the eyes of the beholder and the rest of us are left slack jawed, racking our brains for something appropriate to say.  I tend to share the weird and unusual photos I find on the internet - pics of freakish anomalies, people of Walmart, cats, unorthodox plastic surgery, drag queens ... you get the "picture" (tee hee)...  (friends at work) "Hey!  Wanna see a pic of my family?",  (Me) - "Sure! Wanna see a pic of this guys 12 pound colon?"  Basically, I like to ask to see a photo if I'm really interested, but will politely accept a viewing offer otherwise.  So, here's a quick recap of some of my picture commentary in just one week;

"How cool - you're going to return home a Daddy" (She wasn't pregnant)
"Your grandma has a great smile" (was his wife)
"That little guy musta hurt coming out" (baby had oddly large noggin)
"He's a real cutie" (was his bald, toddler age granddaughter - was wearing green)
... had just made a joke about a trailer park and then saw pictures the next day of relatives in front of their trailer.

Luckily I managed not to comment on the obvious things like inauspicious birthmarks, heart conditions (noted by blueish lips), deformities or just sheer and horrific unfortunateness - in those situations I look for something else in the pic to comment on - even if it's waaaay in the back and off to the side - "I love that table cloth" or "what kind of grill is that?" and "who's the Hummel/commemorative plate/Nascar collector?"  The thing is, I really like the guys I work with and I think it's an honor to be asked to look at their personal pictures - I just wish I would think before I spoke - which has been a life-long curse.  I'm going to have to come up with some pics that I can carry around to prove that there ARE people actually related to me and those who will admit to being my friends - the dating/relationship aspect is totally not for sharing here - as a female, greatly in the minorit, I prefer to not even hint to the fact that I have any type of personal life.  I'm much more comfortable if people think I hang out at home, drink too much wine and make themed, felt outfits for my cats... "OK Louie, today you're going to be a cobbler - no! A flight attendant!"

This week has been a long one so far and I think all will work out in the end when I finally make it to my new home base.  I'm a little tired but much more calm.  I am disappointed, though, to hear that a new crop of toothless, inbred, drug-addled tenants moved into the building behind our condo back at home and now take their calls leaning against the walls of our building while cracked out prostitutes score drugs in their backyard ...  I may have to talk Betsy through  how to make urine balloons so she can lob them from the deck - but just thinking of her even considering doing it makes me laugh hard enough to calm myself down - me, not such a stretch, nor several  pee-ple I know ( you so know who you are...) So, let's toast the trusty old urine balloon as a strategy for fighting crime and undesirable neighbors!

Drink of the night:   Whatever I can get my hands on - I have balloons to fill - this is War!

I want my clothes, Mao!

Hello all - I am sitting in my Afghan condo waiting for the base operations people to come and "count" me and also hopefully simultaneously delaying the future homicide charges I'm going to earn if I don't get out of here soon.  I'm starving and had to be here at a certain time so I couldn't wait another 45 minutes in line to get lunch.  There are so many people here that you can't even get in to eat without an hour wait at least.  I have already spent 2 hours this morning standing in line at the post office so that I could send my loved ones the junk that I carefully selected and price-negotiated for them at the local bazaar - while there, I was only asked 14 times if I wanted to buy a watch or jewelry.  I hope you like your things!

 The Eastern European's are causing my forehead vein to bulge as well - they informed me today - (after promising when I dropped off clothes Sunday that they would be ready) - that they are behind 2 days with laundry.  I am in need of mine because I am supposed to leave very soon.  I can't really depart without my boulder holders and other assorted items.  I was offered the opportunity to walk a mile down the road to the main laundry to retrieve 2 bags of dirty clothes to carry back, but with no guarantee they can locate them.  The planets must be misaligned.  Is the war going to pause because nobody has uniforms to wear?  The Taliban fight in their underwear, so when in Rome - we might as well too.  In my case, I suppose I can plan bases while "commando" but I'd prefer not to do so - I like the extra layer of protection. By the way, I saw some guy on a skateboard here today - WTF?  This is truly surreal. I may have to take my malaria medication early, just to get through the next couple of days.

It's actually really interesting to see the repercussions of the surge overcrowding - it's getting hard to catch flights out of here as well because there are too many people here now.  Some good planning lessons here - I shouldn't complain because at least I'm not in Haiti.  The powers that be are sending out notices that they will be continuously burning garbage for the next 30 days because there's too much of it - this is in addition to the extra-rank bathrooms that are filling up too quickly for the regular cleaning and pump-out schedule - sounds like some somebodies didn't think the troop surge through very thoroughly (to be said aloud, in your best sing-song voice) ... You can go ahead and imagine me passed out on the road, face down in my dirty laundry as a result of being weak with hunger and overcome by burn pit and latrine fumes - the drama of it all! Whatever shall I do - wherever shall I go?

On to other, and more positive things - (this week in Bagram is turning my disposition nasty) - I finally am the proud owner of the 100 year commemorative, Chairman Mao birthday pocket watch!  The little bathroom guy came through for me.  And, as I'm now apt to do, I took a picture of it!

His evil little dictator arm waves back and forth in time with the second hand! Looking at his smiling and benevolent expression on the watch face makes you think this guy was as gentle as a kitten, doesn't it?  He didn't really sentence people to death, but rather to be licked by puppies.  So Mao, I get to come up with all kinds of phrases that incorporate our dear Chairman's name - like, I just did.  Please feel free to send me your best Mao-incorporated statements - but I'm warning you, I already have a cat named Chairman Me-ow, so I'm a little ahead of the game.  Remember - "kill one and send a message to a thousand" - that Mao ... what a knucklehead!

Well I've got to wrap up Mao and get to the friggin' laundry compound.  I think my travel has been delayed again, but I think waiting in line for hours to wash my own clothes - just in case - sounds like fun.  I hope those of you with little ones have all your Easter candy ready for the big day - complete with baby powder to make the bunny tracks!  Mind that you don't let the little ones get too carried away lest they create a mini Jihad in their short pants!  The rebellion of the bowels ... I am sad about missing the Easter meal at home with my family, but I'm here planning the universe and those things can't wait.  I will have Mao tic-toc'ing in my pocket to remind me to enjoy the little things ....little Mao...

Drink of the afternoon - the Mao-tini, chilled, with a whisper of contempt

Happy Birthday Mike K!

What would a Pugilist do?

... probably punch someone in the throat - as I am secretly yearning to do.  I had a very restful night and woke up not feeling like someone kicked me in the kidneys thanks to a good mattress and NASA technology.  I once again, as I do every morning, put a few hints of makeup on in the dark and realized that  I'm getting pretty good at it.  Sometimes I have to apply it using a flashlight and others within the soft glow of a single reading lamp - I am always afraid that I will greet the day looking something like this, but that hasn't happened just yet.  I make some coffee, take a very short trek to work, settle in

to complete my planning data and then the texts begin... "get on the next plane to KAF - they need you there immediately."  I mean really, who's running the show here - monkeys?  I get ahold of a contact there and shockingly, there is no emergency nor any specific and dire need for me to be there instantly.  Plus, I just wasted an entire day moving to a new Bhut, turned my laundry in and won't receive it until the 1st, have no way to manage the shipment of my items in that short of time and I have to get some things shipped home - which takes half a day hanging around with the mouth-breathers at the post office.  Additionally, there is a training slot open for one of the mandatory classes I have to take, but instead they want me to sit in a PAX terminal all day to see if I can get on a flight. I think this has been the first day here where I was ready to knuckle kiss  someone in their pie-hole.  The long and the short of it is that I have a fixed seat in the near future and that's when I'm leaving - until then, I will finish the project I have going and that, as they say, is that.  Wow - thanks for letting me vent into cyberspace.  I'm like an angry little pixie, shaking my fist and spewing bad-mojo around - it comes out as dripping sarcasm, but inside I'm really giving someone an ass-woopin'.  The odd thing is that nobody seems to know where the bright idea originated or the urgency - I will simply be there soon.

Now, on to more positive things.  Another one of the boxes I mailed myself appeared yesterday.  It's number 2 of the 3 that made it here, then back, then here.  The 3rd is still missing and hasn't been seen in either continent to date - I may have to write that one off, but hopefully not.  The day is absolutely beautiful and the mountains are clearly visible.  Last night there was an incredible full moon, so I took some pictures and did some lolly-gagging in my new space - little did I know it would be such a brief affair!   Luckily, I also received a phone call this afternoon from my friend who was shipped down to Kandahar yesterday - (which-is-when-I-should-have-gone-rather-than-moving-if-it-really-was-that-damn-important.... I digress) - and she told me to get there immediately.  Apparently it resembles civilization, the roads are paved, the team there is great - they had a Welcome Packet for her with a map identifying important locations and took her to dinner - we will be the only two in the women's tent for now, the rooms are huge and pristine AND the new showers are almost complete.  You don't have to tell me twice - I am headin' south as soon as I can get my clothes back from the Eastern European laundry service - where, I must say, I am very suspect of exactly what happens to your clothes when you turn them in for cleaning.  There's one young man there I sincerely suspect may try them on beforehand ...  I'm also too scared of the women who run the front desk to ask if they actually use the Tide, or just keep it out for display - I can't understand a word they say, but they laugh at my attempts at humor and can burn the longest continuous cigarette ash I have ever seen - the cigs must be bonded together with baby parts - these gals are t.o.u.g.h.

Because I'm now in a rush, I'm going to sign off with a few quick comments from the news today that I found really entertaining - Ricki Martin came out as a gay man - WOW!  I really didn't see that one coming ... things are heating up with the Kandahar offensive - when aren't they heating up? -  and this last one - I mean, really ... I'm speechless ... here are the mugshots of the religious cult in Michigan who were planning some police killings.  How that solidifies your position in heaven is the angle I haven't quite been able to pinpoint with any level of confidence.

I haven't seen anything this frightening since I had to pull off the main road in southern Kentucky in order to turn the car around - cue the dueling banjo music!

I somehow feel safer over here than I would living within 5 miles of any of these people.  Now I won't be able to get the line "heeere, piggy, piggy" out of my head for the rest of the day. And yes, it does appear that the guy on the end has a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back!

What an excellent example of fine Americans who exude intelligence and good breeding.

Drink of the night - all the Mountain Dews in Mee-Maw's double-wide!  Kidding!  I will be drinking everything left in my fridge because I can't take it with me - cuz I'm the Hillbilly Wino!

Moving Day!

Good Day!  It was moving day here in Bagram - I moved myself and my Bhut mate to a new Bhut and the woman who was living in my new room, to my old Bhut.  Got it?  That's how it works in the military - we could have all stayed put and just moved once - me to Kandahar in a few days, my Bhut mate   back home and the new woman to our old unit after we left - but for some reason, it made more sense for us to do an extra move ... I am accumulating some property considering I just received some boxes from home and one of the three I mailed to myself before I even left - it finally showed up - that was after being shipped here, returned to the U.S. by some of the in-bred postal staff on base, and then mailed back here.  I'm like a turtle carrying my house on my back.  I got some help from one of my co-workers on the final end and he was kind enough to take this amazingly cheerful picture of me as we finished up! I did all of this moving without beer - kudos me!

I am one worn out old lady.  I dread having to pack again and lug all of this to the airport terminal in a few days.  I don't know how I will get this all down there, but once I do - Shangri La folks!  And, I didn't realize what an absolute shit hole (sorry mom) I had been living in until I got to this much nicer and exceptionally larger new space.  It's also much closer to where I work, but also in the area popular with rockets - so keep your fingers crossed that I get out of here with no incidents!

Things are really getting constrained here with the troop surge.  It's crawling with people, equipment and traffic.  I am working the planning end and I can tell you, there isn't enough space or housing for all of the people they are sending here.  I don't think it's as bad where I'm going because it's not so geographically contained.  It's truly unbelievable.

I just found out too, that not only was Obama here yesterday, but so was James Gandlfini - Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts!  How in the hell did I miss all of that?  Here I was, hanging in my crap hole and applying scented lotions to feel better all while the Prez and the Soprano's were here.  I need to figure out where they post this information - fugedaboutit...

This is going to be a short one today as I am exhausted - but look how roomy my new space is! I can sit on my bed and my knees don't touch the furniture - I can dress without smacking my elbows on the handy nail hangers in the walls.  The best part is that my beloved Temper-pedic pillows arrived!  And my new mattress still had a plastic cover and does not feel like I'm sleeping on a hill - it's fabulous and I'm wondering why I was stuck in the Bagram version of an Alcatraz solitary cell for so long.  I don't remember misbehaving or doing anything wrong, but I feel now like I was somehow being punished and nobody told me.

So, I'm going to make myself a nice, non-alcoholic beverage, let my neck and head nest in my space age pillows and watch some more "My Name is Earl" - I don't know how I missed this show, but it's right up my alley - thank you Collin's sisters for recommending it!

Drink of the Night - a combo juice mix of pineapple, orange and grapefruit - we'll see how this little experiment works without the dark rum.

Oh yea - Mary K. ( I don't think it's officially Mary S. just yet) was kind enough to inform me that all of the Easters are on the same day this year, but usually some of the different denominations have different days - let's give Mary a hand for knowing her religious history and just for the hell of it - for being Greek!  Well done Mary!  And Brad, you get a shout-out too - just because I think you secretly really love Easter and the color pink...

Happy Pod Sunday!

Here's how I started my Sunday ... brewing coffee in my new POD brewer!  The whole hovel smelled like home - note that the Fiber One just showed up in my care package, the Special K was "borrowed" from the DFAC and those are some of my pirated CDs on the shelf.  I am feeling amazingly rested - I decided to break down and take my Malaria medication last night after I saw a mosquito on the way to the latrines - anyloopy, it was everything I'd heard it could be!  Strange dreams and general happy thoughts.  I can now feel safe from the dangers of malaria and enjoy a little buzz once a week - how's that for a best case scenario!

Today was really beautiful outside - I tend to think of the days as being nicer when I'm not working.  It was  hot too.  I packed up most of my room and then knocked out an hour of cardio and some weight lifting - that should tell you how much life has changed - I hate doing cardio - it bores me to death and I considered it a health related feat doing 20 minutes a day on an elliptical machine in front of the TV at home - now I do an hour with nothing but some music on the headphones and my own thoughts.  Because - life is much more simple here and I'm not in a rush to get anywhere or to do 5 things at once.  It also keeps me from smoking - something I'm glad I gave up, but still dearly miss - it's like my third arm was cut off and I'm still trying to get it into a shirt sleeve in the morning - it's noticeably missing, but who needs a third arm - Right?  Additionally, I took a nice hot shower, managed not to touch the shower curtain, and used my new body wash that came in my boxes from home.  It was an A+ day - I didn't even mind the horrific BO that emitted from the Afghans who popped into the gym to clean while I was working out.  Let me tell you, after two weeks with the Polish and then being in proximity to the Afghans who work on the bases, the importance of deodorant is sorely under emphasized.  It can literally choke you - it's that bad - it's like you are getting punched in the face with stink.  At least I saw them come in (complete with an armed escort) so I was prepared to space my breathing accordingly - when you don't see them first is when it really knocks you out.  They work in the dining facility too so you may be eating your veggies, minding your own business and then the next moment your food almost shoots out of your nose because you were guerilla'd with BO - didn't see it coming - Boom!  It's so bad you want to rub your face in the carpet like a dog would if it got into something nasty.  I will never get used to it.

Oh, I love my new coffee machine so much that not only did I take two pictures of it, but I did this one in sepia tone - not only does it reflect high art, it also makes my space look old-timey and institutional - this is my proud little corner of civilization - the fridge, TV and now coffee machine.  Notice the hillbilly window - it opens and there's actually a screen - not plywood like most of the Bhuts - I can tie the window cover flap to the ceiling to keep it open.  Lord knows I love an open window and one that's trailer-parkey is even better!  Most of these Bhut settlements resemble foreclosure neighborhoods - the windows are boarded up with plywood - it's supposed to make us safer, but these huts are made of plywood - so - is one more piece of it going to offer that much more protection from something that explodes?  Oh yea - Mike A., Dad and Betsy - you are all getting one of those coffee mugs pictured.  "Honor first, Coffee second".   Steve S. - you need to let me know if you'd like one and/or make a request for something else so I can pick it up before I leave Bagram.

It's does get a little too dusty in my space if I leave the window open too long and I am also afraid of the possibilities of insect or arachnid life that may venture into my space.  Believe me - I have made a mental map of every spot and mark on the walls so that I know what's "friend or foe" - this will prove to be more difficult once I get to Kandahar.  The creepy crawlies can just come right into the tent - I'm going to have to read up on home remedies for keeping scorpions, snakes and other unfortunate possibilities at bay.  I can't even believe that I am typing that last statement.  I will never be a Buddhist as I firmly believe that some things should die and die quickly!  Especially if I'm scared of them, see them while naked or they sneak up on me - bugs, you know who you are ... and all snakes with teeth.

Well, I hope that those of you who care are enjoying Psalm Sunday with your families, eating ham, etc.  I hear that next weekend is Easter.  One question - is it Easter everywhere or only in the US and who gets to decide?  I know it's a Christian holiday but do other counties decide for themselves when to celebrate - which Christian Church picks the date or is there a religious colloquium that decides? They are advertising Easter events here, but it's a US base - just got me thinking.

Drink of the afternoon - a chilled, Crystal Light lemonade - enjoyed in my camping chair out in the sun!