A Weekend of Races

It's the big Derby Weekend folks and it looks like the weather is going to even the field.  The Hillbilly is going for Dean's Kitten in the long shot win - it may take being in Afghanistan to finally being able to pick a winner!  I love Derby weekend and hope that my status as an official Kentucky Colonel will, one day,  get me to the actual event - and in style - Col. HW needs to experience that party!  I believe it's also the weekend for the Flying Pig - best of luck to Mike K. who is crazy and therefore running in this thing.  The next time I see you Mike, I hope you have more meat on your bones ... skinny, running man ...

The Hillbilly is working on an amazing and exotic farmer's tan here in the desert.  Yesterday I stood on a hot, helicopter tarmac for a few hours waiting for my flight to be cancelled and watching all kinds of aircraft take off.  This resulted in an even darker tan on the few areas that are actually exposed -meaning the contrast is even more frightening in the shower!  I have not had the pleasure of a full length mirror in months and the largest one I have found is in the bathroom and just big enough to view your own, fat head.  You don't burn, you just tan - it's as if the ground is even cooking you - you don't realize how dark you actually are getting because the dust and sand are always clinging to you just enough to tone it down - makes for an excellent dirt ring in the shower!  I'm certain to resemble the old version of Georgia O'Keefe when I return ... or at least my face will look like one of those bleached out, steer skulls.  Can a combo of Clinique and Bare Minerals take care of even that?

Today will hopefully go pretty fast - Saturdays make it difficult for me to concentrate because I can't wait for my one day off.  I have not yet experienced the Afghan, Saturday Bazaar here and am in desperate need of pirated, newly released movies.  I also need to send some new gift boxes of tragic and mesmerizing junk home to the family and friends - lots of things from the Russian occupation and a mish-mash of whatever weird, collectibles fell off a truck someplace - I know my mother would simply LOVE the tea set with all of the Kama Sutra positions graphically illustrated on the pieces - why I didn't snag that thing when I first saw it is beyond me - it was hideous in the most glorious of ways!  Plus I would dare someone to look you in the eye while you were drinking out of the tea cup - how could your eyes not be drawn to the graphic, Asian-style renderings on the actual cups - or at least averted in an uncomfortable, Catholic-esque shame! - this may go down as a tragically missed opportunity...  I dare you to now enjoy your tea, knowing that your cups could have sexual positions displayed on them, but in fact, do not!  How Greek!

Here's a brief update on Menno Paws - he's still alive an well and apparently even healthier after all of the PB&J he's eaten out of the traps - none of which has tripped.   I saw Menno on several occasions and although he's not huge, he did have some size to him.  I must be doing something wrong with those traps - I just hope that peanut butter constipates the little bastard for a few days so that I can have a break from the daily, single poop he keeps making on my bed.  I'm ready to rotate into my high thread-count sheets (thanks Mom).  This is something I look forward to every couple of weeks. The anticipation helps me pass the time here, waiting for those sheets, in particular, to hit my sheet changing cycle.  My other sheets are cheap and feel that way, so the one set I have that are really nice are something to be savored ... and don't want mouse poo ruining my overall experience.

I am also totally aware that some of the issues I discuss on this blog may seem and sound totally insane, but I kid you not - the smallest, most mundane issues keep you grounded and it's amazing what you will do to pass time here.  It's also amazing at what can almost break people - I witnessed a grown man almost in tears because someone had taken his two-hole punch - this was one of the construction managers and he had even written his name on the damn thing.  But I oddly understood the implied violation of such an act and the need to carve out what is yours while being locked down in a camp, with   not much personal space or boundaries.  So I promptly hid my coveted red pencils...

Drink of the day - hot coffee since it's really early in the morning  here!

Desert Storm - Literally

Hello once again from my tent of doom!  Apparently, we get quite a few storms out here - this is totally in conflict with my image of the desert gleaned from many a Bug's Bunny cartoon with Wile E. and Roadrunner - I thought it was relatively calm with only a few dangerous ACME anvils teetering around, but I was misinformed.  It's very windy and nasty apparently.  We are having yet another huge sand storm today - which are kind of cool to watch come in, but not so much fun once they arrive ... much like some of my old dates (ah, my 20s...).  Anychokingsand, they blot out your visibility to just a few feet and also - if you're really lucky - cake every nook and cranny of your person with gritty sand and dirt.  Good thing everything here is beige, right?!

This picture here is a Dirt Devil they filmed on Mars - where I might as well be since I'm already in Afghanistan - we get these dust devils here all the time, but I have yet to get a good picture.  It looks about the same - oddly..  By the way .... Mars appears to be much nicer than this place ....   I don't think they burn their trash there - including the plastics - or litter.  Sign me up!  I could do without my throat burning and face itching from all of the mysteries in the air.

Today, the battle with Menno Paws continues!  I thought he was gone, but two days in a row I have come back to my room to find one. single. poop. on my bed blanket!!!  I found mouse traps and made a lethal cocktail of  PB&J, with sunflower seeds,  but my nemesis has eaten the seeds out of that concoction and still lives!  I mean really - to just make one poop on my bed? That is sending a message and not one I like - it's the proverbial horses head in my bed. I am rather upset that he's on my bed and have to just choke back the hysterics - not really, but the thought of a rodent - and one who lives on this filthy base - on my bed, causes me to rock back and forth, whimpering, as I turn off the light at night.  It's for sure added an entirely new ritual to my evening as I check everything in and around my bed with a flashlight before I get in it - I've even taken to talking in a loud voice before I get in ... "I'm going to bed now Menno.  Right now" ... hoping that if he's in there, he will hear me and get the hell out.  I just anticipate that tonight I will hear that telling little "snap" and then I can stake his carcass as a warning to all other mice who may consider entry.  How very dramatic and Shakespearian of me!

I wish I could share more of what I am doing here, but I cannot because it's super-secret - double-finger-cross kind of stuff.  Seriously, it would put my security clearance status at risk.  All I can say is that the work is becoming MUCH more interesting and intense - it's also directly related to the surge (that I can say) and may involve some planning within an actual city (which is an assignment I now officially have) in addition to the FOBs.  I purposefully do not consider the risk at any point while I am here - I just do what I need to and don't think about it.  What's happening here is not making the news - we are in heated battles all over this Kandahar area - these FOBs we travel out to are constantly under attack, convoys hijacked, soldiers and contractors killed.  Several contractors who work directly in the villages and with the people are now being targeted by the Taliban and Al Queida - they are being killed along with the people they are trying to help.  Pay attention to Pakistan and what little you hear about regarding our involvement there - I just don't see a war like this ever ending - not when an enemy has no distinct boundary or nationality - it's an ideology we are warring with and I think they will just wait us out and then get back to the business of in-fighting and sectarian conflict so prevalent over here.

I'm becoming superstitious that at this point that if I dared to worry or be afraid that I will somehow hex myself.  I just trot on to the next thing and place, paying attention to what I can control, and not worrying about the vast majority that I cannot.  It's actually quite liberating and an outlook I hope I can keep once I'm back on the civilian side of things.  Even in weird situations I have these creepy kind of calm going over here - something I would describe as serial-killeresque in the states, but quite advantageous here.  Detached maybe?

Unfortunately, the biggest danger here on base - other than the rocket attacks - are the other soldiers and contractors.  As one of two female contractors on the compound, I often feel like a prisoner here at night.  If you don't have a car or ride, it really isn't that smart to walk anywhere at night.  I carry a knife and an aggressive attitude if I have to be walking somewhere alone.  However, most of the people here are armed, so ....  The downfall is that you don't get out unless you are with other people - which isn't that bad because I like who I work with - but does suck if you want out and some alone time.  We are a pretty good walk from the NATO gym and boardwalk area - I hit the gym with a group and try to do the rest during the day.  I guess it's that you are so incredibly aware of this type of danger - it's rather unsettling and animalistic in many senses - totally different vibe over here than at home.

What a big BLOG day!  Now you know all about the weather, my mouse, views on the war and what to fear on base but have no idea what I actually do every day.  I'm heading out tomorrow for a day or so to one of those outposts - cue the sound of a spinning gun cartridge - hopefully this time I won't injure myself while trying to pull up my pants!  I've got my special, ankle-don't-work-right shoe and some extra pens, so I'm ready to roll!

Drink of the night - a fake Beck's AND a hot tea.  Simultaneously!

Life in a Tent with Italian Internet

Good Day from Afghanistan!  I am enjoying a relaxing morning of free time thanks to a late night of planning bases - I had hoped to sleep in, but then was rudely reminded that I do, in fact, live in a tent by a roaring thunderstorm this morning. I thought I was going to have to grab my coffee pod and tie myself to the bunk bed as the tent was torn of it's foundation - obviously I was spared that inconvenience and am now happily typing away.  I did discover that my tent leaks, but have found comfort in the fact that I basically live in the desert and don't expect much rain.  Menno Paws is also now M.I.A. so I wonder if he was possible washed away ... I can only hope.

My internet provider is an Italian company which means everything you Google, etc. comes up in Italian - this happens no matter how many times you change the settings.  The good thing is that the Italians don't have the high moral code that the Indian company had and therefore, I can still access most of my favorite sites.  The drawback is that I understand little of my internet searches because the results are in a foreign language so I have to guess which site may fit my needs, select it, and then choose the English language version once there - trust me when I say I have ended up in some weird places on the internet from performing simple searches for things like mouse traps and moth balls and then trying to decipher the Italian results.  Apparently the Japanese are fond of mouse-trap utilization in the erotic sense ....  strange ... very, very strange ... Hilarity ensued ...

This is a short post today.  I have had a hugely busy and productive week and am also preparing for another FOB visit in a few days.  My ankle is still driving me nuts ... no ankle boot is made to be worn for 15 hours a day is all I'm saying.  The pain medication works, but makes me horribly nauseous so I can't really take it too often - I'm still feeling ill this morning after taking it last night - so I haven't quite figured out the best plan of action for healing.  I have considered a bionic ankle and am curious as to whom can turn me into the modern day Jamie Sommers ... aka Bionic Woman ... right now I'd even take one of her dial-up mattresses... I wonder what sleep number I am?

Today - the 28th - is also my dear Mumsy's birthday!  Happy Birthday Mom!!!  Let's all send her a happy birthday vibe!

Drink of the morning - Maalox with an aspirin chaser and total stillness in hopes of the spins going away!

Menno Paws & Me

Hello all!  Sorry for the irregular postings, but my internet connection has been whacked at times this week and hasn't let me load up the blog.  Not that there's been much to miss - it has, however, been a week of many firsts and the forging of new relationships.  One of the most unique things to occur is that the Hillbilly Wino has not only grown fond of the taste of ice cold (thanks to the frig) non-alcoholic Becks, but also went in search of it! I can't believe it myself, but by Golly, I am now the proud owner of an entire case of the stuff.  All I need now are lawn Jarts, a lawn, and some willing participants and I'm ready for an Afghanistan-style weekender!  I am also happy to report that the wine key finally came in handy as these babies aren't twist-offs - after I hobbled with a case of these back to my tent (complete with one good foot and a special boot on the other) I was a bit dismayed to find that I couldn't get the bottles open, but then remembered the damn wine key - it did come in handy after all.  This is all good news because the Wino was feeling a bit bitchy after this project - it's also around 100 degrees here every day right now and the energy output to transport  anything in my condition leaves me in a puddle of oozing sweat - so much better to enjoy a fake, cold beer I say!

The other odd event of the week has been the appearance of an uninvited guest, and the kind who won't leave - a little mouse who I now call Menno Paws because he keeps me up at night AND makes my blood boil when I hear him going though my things and making himself at home.  I discovered his arrival the other morning - I thought I had heard him the day before while I was laying on the floor during a rocket attack, but thought there was no way I could be laying on the floor, with a mouse, elevating a gnarled ankle during a rocket attack at 4:30am - could my life have really come to that?  Well it has - and Menno Paws had the balls to show himself the next morning.  Until I can find some mouse traps, it's been hand to paw combat here - Menno sleeps all night and then wakes up and crawls around my shelf where I keep my food and supplies - basically he's all over my room, but seems to be living behind my mini-frig.  He's not worried about me at all and does not respond to cursing, flashlights or Raid.  He even squeaked this morning! I'm going to break his opposable, little thumbs.  I need a cat - and not the fat, lazy, well-fed ones like I own and love, but a cold blooded, hungry, feline Cat Eastwood.  I will start looking - I see them around and just need to lure one to my tent area.  This guy looks like a strong candidate - stupid ducks!

Yes, I am humbled by the presence of a rodent, but I do live in a tent and there's no keeping them out - mouse traps would be perfect care package items by the way, as I can't seem to find any now.  It must be mouse season!  The main issues for me with Menno Paws are: 1.  I don't want him chewing up my wires and baggies full of goodies,  2. I don't want him crawling on me or making any type of bed in my bed and, 3. I am absolutely terrified of what eat the mice here - small vipers complete with fangs.  There have already been some spotted in our camp and I will seriously give birth to a litter of kittens if I ever saw one of those nasty things in my room.  I think the mice showed up to eat the moths (moths are pretty much gone now) and the vipers to eat the mice ... you see the Darwinian food chain here, right?  The thing that cracks me up is that I have no problem calmly discussing my favorite Seinfeld or Sopranos episodes while on the ground or in a bunker during a rocket attack - I also don't seem to flinch much at gunfire and explosions when I'm on those FOBs, but to have a mouse and the possibility of a snake - with TEETH - in my room or near my person just totally freaks me out.  I will keep you posted on the pending demise of Menno Paws - I just hope he's not part of a gypsy clan ...

The other odd thing to occur to me this week - it could have had a lot to do with the pain medication - is that I realized that the rocket attack voice and related information is relayed in a British, female voice!  It just strikes me as the weirdest thing ever.  I live right next to one of the sirens/speaker systems so when these things go off and I'm in my tent, your heart jumps through your chest and you practically pee your own pants from being startled.  Then the Bond-girlish, British voice starts with the ...  "Rocket. Attack. Rocket. Attack."  You then hit the ground, wait to hear the explosion/s, are supposed to get to a bunker and wait for the "Ahll. Clearah".  I then like to imagine hearing a matronly, British female voice (like the lady from the Cheers commercials) come over the speaker saying something like "Chin up then, lads - get to the WC and wash up then, right?"  Kind of reminds me of those British, futuristic, science fiction movies of the 60s and 70s - Logan's Run, Fahrenheit 451 ... they all had female, British voices coming over a speaker to make some kind of announcement or issue a warning.  Where's Michael York when you need to feel secure?  I know its serious stuff, but it still cracks me up - I'm waiting for the Indian version to roll out ...

So - that's been my week  - I turned 44, mangled my ankle, fell in love with fake beer, listened too intently to the rocket attack announcements and acquired a frenemy in Menno Paws.  It's also been a big week for a few others who read this blog - in addition to the happy birthdays, I would like to extend a hearty congratulations to both my brother-in-law and the Jewbilee on their big ass promotions!  Also, Washella finally made it back to London - guess the Icelandic volcano finally consumed enough virgins for the ash clouds to clear!

Drink of the day - no shocker here - fake Becks, with a side-eye out for Menno Paws!