The Sally Struthers Army

Good Evening and Happy Mother's Day!  I have finally returned from my remote outpost and it was a most interesting trip.  I was able to collect a ton of needed data and also to make some acute, anthropological observations while there as well.  I know I've mentioned before that these FOBs are really in the middle of the conflict and are involved in things that rarely make the news, but I have no way of really exemplifying that point.  To begin with, they are under fire constantly and the teams that go out to patrol encounter continuos fire and IEDs.  For example, I spent a good portion of the evening standing outside and watching the stars ... and simultaneously watching the heavy artillery firing, flares and listening to the machine gun encounters.  Wild! This would go on all night or at least a good portion of it.  Thankfully, I was sleeping in a steel reinforced container, but that got pretty lively when the shelling got under way - lots of vibration!  There was also only one day that we were allowed to sit down and eat in the DFAC - the rest of the time you had to take it with you and find someplace to munch because they didn't want too many people in one place.  This is how these troops live on these posts - and the cats, dogs, horse and monkey who also live there - now if I could see the monkey ride the horse, all would be perfect in my world!

Now this base is full - and I mean full - of largely 19 year old infantry boys/men.  Let me put it this way, there was so much testosterone in the air that I feared I would develop balls that would drop and my voice would change!  Even many of the young ladies were tough as hell - I think it was the combination of the environment and their mission, but there was no playing around!  Which reminds me, even the insect life here is tough and aggressive.  The flies, which I took to calling the Sally Struthers Army, were voted most likely to crawl on your eyeball while you were still alive.  They were horrible and resembled those aggressive, nasty flies you see crawling on poor, third world kids on the infomercials in the middle of the night.  The ants are huge and then there were a variety of other crawlies that weren't at rest unless they were landing directly on  you.  Afghanistan is truly a shit hole for the most part - hot and dirty with Sally Struthers flies.

Speaking of hot and dirty, I had one brief moment of reprieve from the heat followed by a stunned horror as I realized what it actually was - it's still too early to determine if I will need therapy.  I had been walking for hours around the camp talking with stakeholders to get their input on everything from kennel placement to artillery range requirements.  I had blisters from my boots, drank a plethora of bottled water without every having to use the restroom, and a constant grind in my mouth and eyes from the dirt and sand.  I was standing still, finishing a few note entries when I felt a refreshing light spray on my arm and side of my face - somewhat like a misting tent sensation - only to turn to my right and see the Afghan contractors placing the poop sucking hose back into it's holder before they drove off to the next port a john to service it.  I was downwind on a gusty day and suddenly had a clear understanding of what had just "misted" me - I literally opened my mouth to gag, wondering how quickly I could cut my own arm off (Civil War style if necessary) and a Sally Struthers fly flew right into my pie hole - I was spitting, pissed-off (and on, I guess) end-of-a-hot-day mad.  I then briskly huffed off to try to wash the offense from my person and the friggin' water had been turned off in the only women's wash area - luckily i had plenty of disinfectant gel to slather on.  However, this happened a couple of days and at least one intense shower ago and I still have a catch in my throat thinking about it.  I still feel covered in pee pee!!! That little anecdote totally sums up what it can be like to spend a little quality time at one of these FOBs.

In all seriousness though, there are some incredible people at these places and it's like extreme camping in many ways.  I spent my first night around a fire pit smoking fat Cuban cigars - I am finding this is a secret inner-circle activity that I have been fortunate enough to be invited to enjoy on several occasions - it may be my talent for appreciating - and telling - a good dirty joke and not flinching at incredibly inventive uses of the F word!  I also refer to all posters of half nude women as "I didn't know you were so fond of your mother/sister/aunt ..."  These havens of late evening decision-making are crucial to cutting the deals and getting the information necessary to achieving key planning goals so i am incredibly thankful to be present.  I also had access to all the guard towers, both Afghan and NATO, which are incredibly interesting places to hang out - a little stinky, but thankfully there was a nice wind and the opulent B.O. oozing from the Afghan forces was somewhat diminished - who am I to talk anyhow... I had been sprayed with a mist of human waste and wasn't feeling fresh as a daisy myself.

Well, I'm as tired as hell and signing off - hoping for a good and restful night's sleep!

Drink of the evening - COLD, bottled water mixed with Crystal Carrington Light.