The Monkey Ranch

Good Day!  Finally the internet god let me access this blog site again - it seems to allow me access 2 or 3 times a week - the remaining bandwidth for the week must be designated to others for communication with the big world out there.  I may have to move up to human sacrifices.  Busy week so far - busy - and I also had the good fortune to eat from an actual plate for the first time in months!  It's the little things, right?

So, this has been a week of planning - lots and lots of it, and with too much planning comes headaches, disorganization, too much talking, male posturing and adult-baby behavior in some instances.  The best part though, by far, have been some of the discussions regarding who we are ultimately planning for in the long run.  We are,  basically, in a Third World country trying to build and train a military and police force - however, we are attempting to do so with Western standards and expectations - I kid you not, this is like handing the keys to your brand new house to a gang of monkeys.  Much of what we plan will eventually be staffed and supported by the Afghan military and police forces so we try to take into consideration what we need versus what they can maintain.

Before I write the next couple of very derogatory and ethnocentric sentences, I do understand that lack of education and gaping cultural differences play a huge role in these situations - but they're still damn funny even considering that!!!  I think you could leave unsupervised, 15 year old boys alone for the weekend with better results.  The most common things - like using a toilet correctly, per the design - are impossible nuggets of information to impart to many of these guys.  They are literally taking large poos in the shower stalls, and breaking off the toilets at the base by standing on the seats to use them - apparently, they use something more "turkish" if at all (largely the great outdoors).  This standing results in a "painting" of the toilets or breaking them altogether.  How do you toilet train a nation???  Secondly, perfectly operating generators and electrical systems are something they can't resist - it's like a giant shiny penny and the minute we leave them alone with them, they are taking them apart and creating third-world wiring scenarios that shock, kill and maim them.  Finally, you can't build kitchens for them or construct anything of wood - they all eventually burn down.  Tents make them crazy and we actually have force retention issues if they have to live in them too long - I ask you, why then aren't we just building the mud hut villages they are accustomed to???  We are spending billions on infrastructure they can't even maintain or are willing to learn to use.  So, by and large, we are planning, designing and building these mini-bases that will eventually be left to the Afghans - complete with kitchens, electrical systems and latrines that they will burn down, electrocute themselves with and poop all over.  It's truly like a giant monkey ranch!!  I have never seen a group of people harder on equipment in my life - it's like an army of "Man-childs"!  And the conversations are always something like ... "nope, nope - you remember what happened last time ... they shot the toilet instead of flushing it ... "  or,  "they just crap right next to the port-a-john".   It's truly amazing and interesting - I still don't know yet what the best compromise will be, but I have a feeling we'll have ghost bases of modern, tattered facilities full of goats, kids and the Afghan Army.  There has to be a better way because the Afghans are a pretty ingenious people from what I can see - it's truly an example of the huge cultural divide.

Weeeellll,  hope you found this interesting!  I don't have the energy to pontificate on anything else tonight - I have to get up early and head out to a FOB tomorrow unless the dirt fog causes the flights to be cancelled again - seriously, it's creepy - brown fog with a layer of dirt floating in it.  Toby Keith will be here tomorrow night apparently and I will be sleeping either under the stars or in a shipping container converted to a sleeping berth!

Drink of the night - a hot, decaf tea with an actual lemon wedge I have been carrying in my pocket the entire day -

I Have Defeated Menno Paws!

Yea, I killed my mouse.  Kind of a let down and he died in a back alley channel of my room, with a face full of jam - similar to Elvis signing off on the toilet - when the mighty fall, it's not always pretty...  While I'm happy to be momentarily rodent free, I was hoping for more of a Moby Dickish epic hunt - manic in my sole purpose of finding - and then killing - Menno Paws!  In the end, I ran back to my room to grab something and saw his little carcass laying under the trap - a paper towel, a quick case of the willies, a carefree toss of the his lifeless, rodent casing in the bin (with my pinkie poised upward) and the saga was o-vah!  He was a formidable opponent, but like Rome, was conquered and partly due to his own gluttony.

I am in the waning hours of my coveted and celebrated day off.  I do nothing on these days, but clean my room, read, watch movies and play on the computer.  It's too hot out to enjoy anything and I'm usually totally over other people by Sunday - these are fantastic days!!  Last night was some colored level of alert which meant you couldn't go outside without wearing your body armor and helmet - boring - and hot!  There was going to be a poker game on the picnic table but the forces in charge of ruining even the smallest amount of fun were in full swing.  I stayed in my room (which is getting very warm these days) and made creative, edible things with hot sauce and ramen noodles. It was also the night for the malaria pill which means nice dreams and deeps sleeps!  If I had the confidence (and privacy), I would take a how-to-sleep page out of my nephew Brody's book - it involves partial nudity and a leg-cross but looks incredibly comfortable - ah, the freedom of being two ...

Today has been the periodic detonation of controlled explosions - they will announce them "within five minutes", but then 20 minutes later the GD things go off ... I have changed my shirt twice and shorts once from coffee and soup splashing all over them every time I am startled by the late-in-coming detonation.  It's amazing that something so loud and forceful can become a common, every day thing.  It's also amazing that nobody making these announcements has a true concept of what  5 minutes actually are ...  you would think that somebody, somewhere would be shooting for some accuracy being that we are in a war zone and explosions do make one ... edgy.  Between those explosions and the random boom of the sound barrier being broken or the anticipation of waiting to hear the giant cargo planes crash as they struggle to get off the ground - it's been pretty noisy around here today.  I basically live next to the runway and under the subsequent flight path so it's pretty festive at times.

I have been watching back to back "bad girl" films - I guess you would call them morality films, but they are hysterical, politically incorrect and I think cast with Hollywood hopefuls who never really made it past the casting couches.  These were part of a DVD collection sent to me by very dear friends - friends who know how much I enjoy these types of things!  Some of the titles include ... "Delinquent Daughters",  "Escort Girl",  "Ten Nights in a Barroom" and "She Shoulda' Said No"... I can't express how much I love these old 30s films - complete with the crazy eyes and tough-talking bad girls.  There are also a few on the perils of Marihuana (their spelling) and cocaine.  The best one was about syphilis ... I am dedicating the last CD of my cult classics to all of you bad girls out there - I think we all know one another - and I will include you too, Craig ...  So goes another lazy Sunday!   The final film of the day will be "Terror in a Tiny Town" which is a western filmed entirely with little actors.  Thank you Collins sisters - I almost feel like a normal human today. "Drinking and smoking feels swell! Just don't let mother find out!"  Love this dialogue ...

Drink of the day - Jailhouse rot gut, brewed in a dirty toilet and filtered through pantie hose and an old sock ... naw, that was what a bad girl would drink - in prison - which is where you end up if you don't listen to your mother.  Today I will stick with a cold, fake Becks with a chaser of Crystal Light - which I've taken to calling Crystal Carrington Light in my attempt to honor the pinnacle of the entertainment era found in the television dramas of the 1980s - BLLAAAAKKEE!

A Weekend of Races

It's the big Derby Weekend folks and it looks like the weather is going to even the field.  The Hillbilly is going for Dean's Kitten in the long shot win - it may take being in Afghanistan to finally being able to pick a winner!  I love Derby weekend and hope that my status as an official Kentucky Colonel will, one day,  get me to the actual event - and in style - Col. HW needs to experience that party!  I believe it's also the weekend for the Flying Pig - best of luck to Mike K. who is crazy and therefore running in this thing.  The next time I see you Mike, I hope you have more meat on your bones ... skinny, running man ...

The Hillbilly is working on an amazing and exotic farmer's tan here in the desert.  Yesterday I stood on a hot, helicopter tarmac for a few hours waiting for my flight to be cancelled and watching all kinds of aircraft take off.  This resulted in an even darker tan on the few areas that are actually exposed -meaning the contrast is even more frightening in the shower!  I have not had the pleasure of a full length mirror in months and the largest one I have found is in the bathroom and just big enough to view your own, fat head.  You don't burn, you just tan - it's as if the ground is even cooking you - you don't realize how dark you actually are getting because the dust and sand are always clinging to you just enough to tone it down - makes for an excellent dirt ring in the shower!  I'm certain to resemble the old version of Georgia O'Keefe when I return ... or at least my face will look like one of those bleached out, steer skulls.  Can a combo of Clinique and Bare Minerals take care of even that?

Today will hopefully go pretty fast - Saturdays make it difficult for me to concentrate because I can't wait for my one day off.  I have not yet experienced the Afghan, Saturday Bazaar here and am in desperate need of pirated, newly released movies.  I also need to send some new gift boxes of tragic and mesmerizing junk home to the family and friends - lots of things from the Russian occupation and a mish-mash of whatever weird, collectibles fell off a truck someplace - I know my mother would simply LOVE the tea set with all of the Kama Sutra positions graphically illustrated on the pieces - why I didn't snag that thing when I first saw it is beyond me - it was hideous in the most glorious of ways!  Plus I would dare someone to look you in the eye while you were drinking out of the tea cup - how could your eyes not be drawn to the graphic, Asian-style renderings on the actual cups - or at least averted in an uncomfortable, Catholic-esque shame! - this may go down as a tragically missed opportunity...  I dare you to now enjoy your tea, knowing that your cups could have sexual positions displayed on them, but in fact, do not!  How Greek!

Here's a brief update on Menno Paws - he's still alive an well and apparently even healthier after all of the PB&J he's eaten out of the traps - none of which has tripped.   I saw Menno on several occasions and although he's not huge, he did have some size to him.  I must be doing something wrong with those traps - I just hope that peanut butter constipates the little bastard for a few days so that I can have a break from the daily, single poop he keeps making on my bed.  I'm ready to rotate into my high thread-count sheets (thanks Mom).  This is something I look forward to every couple of weeks. The anticipation helps me pass the time here, waiting for those sheets, in particular, to hit my sheet changing cycle.  My other sheets are cheap and feel that way, so the one set I have that are really nice are something to be savored ... and don't want mouse poo ruining my overall experience.

I am also totally aware that some of the issues I discuss on this blog may seem and sound totally insane, but I kid you not - the smallest, most mundane issues keep you grounded and it's amazing what you will do to pass time here.  It's also amazing at what can almost break people - I witnessed a grown man almost in tears because someone had taken his two-hole punch - this was one of the construction managers and he had even written his name on the damn thing.  But I oddly understood the implied violation of such an act and the need to carve out what is yours while being locked down in a camp, with   not much personal space or boundaries.  So I promptly hid my coveted red pencils...

Drink of the day - hot coffee since it's really early in the morning  here!

Desert Storm - Literally

Hello once again from my tent of doom!  Apparently, we get quite a few storms out here - this is totally in conflict with my image of the desert gleaned from many a Bug's Bunny cartoon with Wile E. and Roadrunner - I thought it was relatively calm with only a few dangerous ACME anvils teetering around, but I was misinformed.  It's very windy and nasty apparently.  We are having yet another huge sand storm today - which are kind of cool to watch come in, but not so much fun once they arrive ... much like some of my old dates (ah, my 20s...).  Anychokingsand, they blot out your visibility to just a few feet and also - if you're really lucky - cake every nook and cranny of your person with gritty sand and dirt.  Good thing everything here is beige, right?!

This picture here is a Dirt Devil they filmed on Mars - where I might as well be since I'm already in Afghanistan - we get these dust devils here all the time, but I have yet to get a good picture.  It looks about the same - oddly..  By the way .... Mars appears to be much nicer than this place ....   I don't think they burn their trash there - including the plastics - or litter.  Sign me up!  I could do without my throat burning and face itching from all of the mysteries in the air.

Today, the battle with Menno Paws continues!  I thought he was gone, but two days in a row I have come back to my room to find one. single. poop. on my bed blanket!!!  I found mouse traps and made a lethal cocktail of  PB&J, with sunflower seeds,  but my nemesis has eaten the seeds out of that concoction and still lives!  I mean really - to just make one poop on my bed? That is sending a message and not one I like - it's the proverbial horses head in my bed. I am rather upset that he's on my bed and have to just choke back the hysterics - not really, but the thought of a rodent - and one who lives on this filthy base - on my bed, causes me to rock back and forth, whimpering, as I turn off the light at night.  It's for sure added an entirely new ritual to my evening as I check everything in and around my bed with a flashlight before I get in it - I've even taken to talking in a loud voice before I get in ... "I'm going to bed now Menno.  Right now" ... hoping that if he's in there, he will hear me and get the hell out.  I just anticipate that tonight I will hear that telling little "snap" and then I can stake his carcass as a warning to all other mice who may consider entry.  How very dramatic and Shakespearian of me!

I wish I could share more of what I am doing here, but I cannot because it's super-secret - double-finger-cross kind of stuff.  Seriously, it would put my security clearance status at risk.  All I can say is that the work is becoming MUCH more interesting and intense - it's also directly related to the surge (that I can say) and may involve some planning within an actual city (which is an assignment I now officially have) in addition to the FOBs.  I purposefully do not consider the risk at any point while I am here - I just do what I need to and don't think about it.  What's happening here is not making the news - we are in heated battles all over this Kandahar area - these FOBs we travel out to are constantly under attack, convoys hijacked, soldiers and contractors killed.  Several contractors who work directly in the villages and with the people are now being targeted by the Taliban and Al Queida - they are being killed along with the people they are trying to help.  Pay attention to Pakistan and what little you hear about regarding our involvement there - I just don't see a war like this ever ending - not when an enemy has no distinct boundary or nationality - it's an ideology we are warring with and I think they will just wait us out and then get back to the business of in-fighting and sectarian conflict so prevalent over here.

I'm becoming superstitious that at this point that if I dared to worry or be afraid that I will somehow hex myself.  I just trot on to the next thing and place, paying attention to what I can control, and not worrying about the vast majority that I cannot.  It's actually quite liberating and an outlook I hope I can keep once I'm back on the civilian side of things.  Even in weird situations I have these creepy kind of calm going over here - something I would describe as serial-killeresque in the states, but quite advantageous here.  Detached maybe?

Unfortunately, the biggest danger here on base - other than the rocket attacks - are the other soldiers and contractors.  As one of two female contractors on the compound, I often feel like a prisoner here at night.  If you don't have a car or ride, it really isn't that smart to walk anywhere at night.  I carry a knife and an aggressive attitude if I have to be walking somewhere alone.  However, most of the people here are armed, so ....  The downfall is that you don't get out unless you are with other people - which isn't that bad because I like who I work with - but does suck if you want out and some alone time.  We are a pretty good walk from the NATO gym and boardwalk area - I hit the gym with a group and try to do the rest during the day.  I guess it's that you are so incredibly aware of this type of danger - it's rather unsettling and animalistic in many senses - totally different vibe over here than at home.

What a big BLOG day!  Now you know all about the weather, my mouse, views on the war and what to fear on base but have no idea what I actually do every day.  I'm heading out tomorrow for a day or so to one of those outposts - cue the sound of a spinning gun cartridge - hopefully this time I won't injure myself while trying to pull up my pants!  I've got my special, ankle-don't-work-right shoe and some extra pens, so I'm ready to roll!

Drink of the night - a fake Beck's AND a hot tea.  Simultaneously!

Life in a Tent with Italian Internet

Good Day from Afghanistan!  I am enjoying a relaxing morning of free time thanks to a late night of planning bases - I had hoped to sleep in, but then was rudely reminded that I do, in fact, live in a tent by a roaring thunderstorm this morning. I thought I was going to have to grab my coffee pod and tie myself to the bunk bed as the tent was torn of it's foundation - obviously I was spared that inconvenience and am now happily typing away.  I did discover that my tent leaks, but have found comfort in the fact that I basically live in the desert and don't expect much rain.  Menno Paws is also now M.I.A. so I wonder if he was possible washed away ... I can only hope.

My internet provider is an Italian company which means everything you Google, etc. comes up in Italian - this happens no matter how many times you change the settings.  The good thing is that the Italians don't have the high moral code that the Indian company had and therefore, I can still access most of my favorite sites.  The drawback is that I understand little of my internet searches because the results are in a foreign language so I have to guess which site may fit my needs, select it, and then choose the English language version once there - trust me when I say I have ended up in some weird places on the internet from performing simple searches for things like mouse traps and moth balls and then trying to decipher the Italian results.  Apparently the Japanese are fond of mouse-trap utilization in the erotic sense ....  strange ... very, very strange ... Hilarity ensued ...

This is a short post today.  I have had a hugely busy and productive week and am also preparing for another FOB visit in a few days.  My ankle is still driving me nuts ... no ankle boot is made to be worn for 15 hours a day is all I'm saying.  The pain medication works, but makes me horribly nauseous so I can't really take it too often - I'm still feeling ill this morning after taking it last night - so I haven't quite figured out the best plan of action for healing.  I have considered a bionic ankle and am curious as to whom can turn me into the modern day Jamie Sommers ... aka Bionic Woman ... right now I'd even take one of her dial-up mattresses... I wonder what sleep number I am?

Today - the 28th - is also my dear Mumsy's birthday!  Happy Birthday Mom!!!  Let's all send her a happy birthday vibe!

Drink of the morning - Maalox with an aspirin chaser and total stillness in hopes of the spins going away!